Sorry for the Holiday Hiatus...

I wanted to blog over the Thanksgiving weekend, but honestly, my electrolyte levels were dangerously low and my hands shook too badly as my liver was on the brink of failure. It's taken until today to get the jaundice-yellow to leave the sclera of my eye and for my 4am night sweats to subside. My four day bender was so intense, I began to swing the whiffle ball bat like Mickey mantle. Nonetheless, I of course wouldn't take back one minute of my championship beer pong run, extensive Wolf Mountain wine tasting, my subpar A cappella Gin and Juice performance, or my 0-3 cricket record. The pics included may or not be my family and me gathered around the dinner table and engaging in rigmarole around the house.

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It's not too late, Taylor, please apologize.

It's taken me a few days to regain my hearing after the howling pack of wolves a.k.a. singers/entertainers took the stage at the AMA's. I've wanted to comment, but it was literally too painful to endure. Where have singers disappeared to? Seriously. Say what you want, but when Elvis, The Beatles, Elton John, Billy Joel, Frank Sinatra, took/take the stage, you knew you were at least going to get artists that could hit a note and stay on key. This video of Taylor Swift, the highest selling artist of 2010, sounds like someone is murdering her. Honestly, I can say I've never seen a live performance this badly performed. I'm a marginal singer, but I'm convinced I could be less pitchy than this. Ironically, Taylor mixes Timbaland's "Apologize" into the middle of her song, "Back to December," and boy, was an apology ever needed. She should actually forgo the apology and just send my cochlear implants after that torture. It's obvious how well a studio, auto tune and other technology can make someone sound when you hear live versions of ridiculously successful artists like Taylor Swift sound so heinous. Also, can someone please send her an email and tell her to get her veneers replaced. Apparently, she went to the same cosmetic dentist that Hillary Duff, Gary Busey and Matt Dillon's character from Something About Mary went to. When I was 6 years old and my parents and I would leave The Golden Corral Steakhouse, I would beg my father for a quarter for Chicklet gum. Little did I know, 26 years later, I would be watching Taylor Swift and have the sudden urge for both The Golden Corral and Chicklet gum. Nice Teeth. Hope they win.
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Sean Penn tears up the AMA's

I can't imagine the 3 people, besides Taylor Swift's mom, that actually watched the AMA's could've thought this was entertainment. I saw two performances and without an ounce of hyperbole, they were the two worst live performances I have ever seen. As for Ke$ha, seeing this girl walking red carpets is like seeing OJ lead candle light vigils for murder victims. I'd rather shove my penis a bee hive then a rusty bear trap covered with syphilis than get anywhere near Ke$ha's fug ass. If I saw this coming toward me in a dark alley on a Saturday night, I would have two thoughts. 1, Are you Sean Penn cause I wanna kick your ass. 2, please don't kill me Jason Vorhees.

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Guard it with your life...

If there's one thing that a woman has that can ensure her youth in a cruel world where men age more gracefully, it's long hair. It's the one commodity that should never be relinquished. We all know it has to go at some point, but don't rush it please. If it were up to me, I think that old ass Rose in Titanic looked better with long hair and she was like 140 or something. Kelly Brook is one of the hottest women on the planet and now, with this helmet, she looks like some aging mom from a Harry Potter movie. It's so unnerving to witness such a demise of elite beauty. I wonder what goes through the head of a woman as she sits in the chair and requests this god awful lettuce. I'm simply disgusted. Kelly Brook stole my heart when she took her clothes off in Survival Island and then again in Piranha 3-D, but now, with this look, I'm trying to be seduced by kindergarten teacher from rural Iowa.

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Wait a doggone second...they're what?

Surely you're pulling my leg. The sitch and the 16 and Pregnant poster child were chosen by Candies as the spokespeople for their abstinence campaign? I can only think the executives at Candies are pointing at pictures of the average American and laughing like humans do at the gorilla exhibits, "look, they're so funny." Selecting these two as models for abstinence is like letting magic Johnson teach teenagers about wearing condoms, or Jeffrey Dahmer being selected by PETA as vegetarian of the 20th century, or Lindsay Lohan leading the anti-penis campaign. I'm 32 years old and I've never witnessed something less rational. Holy smokes, I've never been more over two numbskulls.

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I admit, I'm strangely interested.

We were really concerned with the Y2K the last time I dreamed about making the sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. Specifically, it was right after I saw Great Expectations and before Shakespeare in Love. Anyway, tomorrow night she's on that show all all my gay friends (except you JB), tell me to watch. Now I haven't seen one episode of Glee, but I have to admit, this seems really entertaining. I'm not ashamed to admit my affection for show tunes and top 40. I'm not sold on this Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines transformation Gwyneth is working on, however. In her country song I can't help but think of The Upper East Side when she sings about the "Ground she grew up on". Surely when she refers to being Country Strong, she's referring to New York's United Nations Building on the East River. Yeah, I know she's playing a character, but come on guys. This movie looks ri-GD-diculous. I'd rather someone slam a hot poker into my eye. Stick with Cee-Lo Green...that, I can tolerate.

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Luckiest redneck in the world.

Antique Roadshow Record Item - Watch more Funny Videos

Antique Road Show is about as entertaining as a botched circumcision, but on this episode, this redneck lady gets the best news since two Saturdays ago when her winning Bingo number was called out at the VFW while she was eating a bag of Funyuns and burning heaters. Sometimes in life things just start going your way and something tells me that there's a trailer that will be improved property when taxes are reassessed; after all, 1 million dollar in Chinese antiques can buy a ton of mountable talking fish, rear-view mirror hanging Dreamcatchers, Crocs, or WWF Pay-Per-View events.

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Liberal economics 101

You're angry because you want your higher level education to cost less. Since the government already subsidizes your education, pays for your healthcare and allows you to retire at 60 (France), despite the government and your currency being crippled by socialistic handouts and stipends, you still want more? What's the logical thing to do? Riot...if you're a retarded liberal in England. Today, they're throwing fire extinguishers off the roof of six story buildings protesting higher tuition costs. Several police officers have been hospitalized. Let's recap: You're so angry that you're not getting enough shit for free, you riot and turn to violence. Is that what our world's leading nations have become? Have hard work and sacrifice been replaced by violence, socialism and an entitlement mentality? I'm disgusted by these actions. France riots because the retirement age was raised and it's 60. Seriously? England students now riot because education costs COULD be raised. News flash dipshits...your utopian European union is broke. Flat broke and busted. Just like America, were not playing with monopoly money. This is big boy/big girl economics. You can't keep spending money you don't have. I know fiscal responsibility addresses a concept most liberals can't conceptualize, but its true. It's analogous to the obesity pandemic. Just like burning more calories than you consume causes weightloss, spending more than you take in causes economic peril and nations to collapse. It's not rocket science, and to the people with excuses, it's not genetic. It's logic. It's math. Plain and simple.

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MadTV was a sort of ahead of the curve...

Mad TV IPAD - Free videos are just a click away

In 2006, MadTV predicted the APPLE IPAD, sort of. For no other reason than I just got one and it's kind of funny minus the feminine hygiene indication, I'm posting this video.

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Can it be? Kayne West > Kim Zolciak

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Tries To Sing
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When I said Kanye West was talentless, I hadn't seen this video. The fact that this woman represents Atlanta in any way is disgusting. I can harass my dog enough until he starts to howl, and yet still, he carries more tunes than this hag. Surely she knows she's awful. God, how on Earth could you not. I'd rather be subjected to 12 hours of sounds from the electric chair than this heinous woman. If I close my eyes, she sounds eerily like a wildebeest getting raped by a water buffalo. If we're lucky, she'll get clipped by a MARTA train going to her next "studio session". If you watch one minute of this show, I officially hate you.

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Team Coco, I guess.

Conan O'Brien debuted his show last night on TBS to fantastic ratings. In fact, he beat out Letterman and Leno. To be frank, I couldn't care less if any of them ever recorded another show, but I guess if I had to pick one, Conan would be the only one I would wish success on. I guess more specifically, he's the one I hate the least. Leno is fat piece of annoying...well you know. Letterman is so liberal, he can't through one show without vomiting his political agenda on his viewers. Conan was just the dork in high school and got his break. He's been tossed around by NBC and Leno so at the very least, I wish him success just because I know his success explodes Leno's huge chin and head with anger. Regardless of what happens though, this opening skit from last night's show was brilliant.

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I would rather jump out of this airplane.

This is a video from a Delta Airlines flight a few weeks ago in which Kanye West takes over the flight attendant mic and lays down a few lines from Gold Digger. I've been an avid rap music follower since 1986 and since then, I can't think of one person more overrated than this guy. I was lucky enough to see SNL when his Autotune "malfunctioned". I honestly have never heard anything so badly performed in my life. So bad in fact, he and his lawyers threatened prosecution if web/media outlets didn't remove the video from their websites. It's no secret stars are narcissists, but Kanye takes it to a whole new level. Take away his autotune, his synthesizers, his stupid lyrics, and you're left with a wannabe rapper who's only concern is himself that wouldn't deserve to be in the same room with Biggie, Tupac, or Eminem. It's a shame this spoiled little brat makes millions.

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Like Lil Wayne's song, Dont like the look of it...neither do I.

Rapper, chart topper, tear tattooed, diamond grill sporting, Lil Wayne, was fortunate to only get three years of unsupervised probation for “Tour Bus Raid #2,” which was basically the Arizona-based encore of the arrest in New York City that sent him to Rikers for eight months; however, that probation may be hard to adhere to...because among other things, it includes a provision that forbids Wayne from consuming “any substances containing alcohol” for the full three years. 3 Years. 1,095.7 days. 26,297.4383 hours. Keeping Lil Wayne away from alcohol for that long would be as challenging as keeping OJ Simpson away from knives and white chicks or Lindsay Lohan away from Columbian drug lords, or Charlie Sheen away from blow and prostitutes. Aside from the alcohol restrictions, he also can’t possess any illegal drugs or controlled substances...if that's not obvious. Naturally, the alcohol is going to be almost impossible to enforce within Wayne’s private space. That being said, Wayne will have to undergo drug and alcohol testing. This became effective on Friday, when Wayne went to Arizona to sign the papers.

TMZ is reporting that Wayne had 48 bottles of “really expensive champagne” ordered for his welcome home party at a Miami strip club this past weekend. So, if that went down as planned, which it obviously did, Wayne’s sobriety agreement was tested early. Face it, based on the picture above, he doesn't look like a person that doesn't drink.

I hope for his sake, Lil Wayne keeps off the sauce. I'll be honest, I'm almost positive I couldn't do it. How is that rappers like Lil Wayne and T.I. get jail time for drugs and weapons possessions, but Lindsay Lohan gets pulled over once a week with blow and a blood alcohol content of .2 or higher and she goes to oceanfront rehab facilities that look like MTV beach party houses. Just doesn't seem right.

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OMG Becky, look at her butt...

Rachel Mcadams is one of the most underutilized actresses in Hollywood. Since Wedding Crashers, she's been my heart's magnetic north. She's talented, sexy and yet still looks like a girl that could've easily gone to my high school...well maybe not my high school. There is one problem with her though. Apparently, she has been buying HGH from BALCO Labs and doing nothing but lunges and squats. There's having junk in your trunk and then there's having an ass that rivals J-LO's with glute implants. It's okay, Rachel, you're still my girl...just take it easy on the lunges.

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Worst Human Being Ever...

This is a mugshot from the Chicago Tribune online. If you want to stare character and integrity in the face, take a look at this guy. He was arrested for Aggravated Vehicular Hijacking of a Handicapped Vehicle. Even typing those words made me cringe. If you hijack a Rascal or a wheelchair, you're an asshole. Under what circumstances would you need to hijack a handicapped vehicle? Are you headed to the store and you're just tired of walking so you punch a handicapped person in the face, throw him/her off the wheelchair and roll yourself to the store? If you're guilty of this crime, I would bet 2 grand you don't have a job and have never paid taxes.

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Tuesday becomes the game changer Americans are thirsty for...

Tuesday evening will reveal just how much Americans still love individual liberty and freedom. After two years of the most liberal Presidency ever, a Congress that passes legislation that overwhelming majorities of Americans despise, and confidence in Washington is at an all time low, Americans enter the voting booth with an opportunity to change everything. Democrats have done exactly what their campaigns said they would do. President Obama, on the other hand, is a different story. Reuniting Washington couldn't be further from the truth. With his liberal agenda, he's created a chasm between both sides of the isle no one can reach across. It's these arrogant policies, this blind spending, that has had his part on the ropes for months leading up to this day. Jeb Bush once said, "Liberals get themselves in trouble when they adhere to the core policies of their party. Republicans, however, get themselves in trouble when they abandon the core principles of the party. That's exactly what happened the eight years during George Bush. The party abandoned fiscal conservatism and continued spending money and expanding government programs. That's not the government the Framers of the Constitution had in mind. In a closed booth, aside from the zealots of both ends of the spectrum, most Americans don't care about social issues, but fiscally, most working Americans are conservative. That's the independent vote that elected President Obama. Conversely, Democrats find themselves clawing and scraping to keep their stronghold in Washington due to the direction they've taken America against the will of the American people. Health Care legislation no one wanted, stimulus packages that didn't work, massive increases in debt, will undoubtably be the things people remember as they enter the voting booth Tuesday. Despite President Obama calling his opponents his enemies, I'm just an American that doesn't need government in my life for anything other than my protection. My enemy is not my President, but the Islamic idiots that are sending mail bombs all over this globe. This administration needs a wake up call and I'm pretty sure tonight by 10pm, America's Liberty Bell that last rang in 1846, tonight, will ring again.

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She has a sister...God loves me afterall!

In 1998, Laetitia Casta, seen above, appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. That one single cover is probably responsible for my obsession with super models. It changed my life. It wasn't too long after that amazing cover that Laetitia disappeared from my life almost as fast as she appeared. By 2001 Laetitia had become an after thought in the world of Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Thanks to the sweet Lord, another ten years later, Laetita's younger sister is bursting on the scene and delivering magic to my laptop. It's almost as if I've slept with two sisters now. The jury is still out on whether or not she's even pretty, but who cares, because she's the younger sister to one of the most electrifying obsessions this world has ever seen.

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