Now this is a smokeshow.

Tonight I watched House M.D. and I'm still pissed that I can't get a once-a-week fix of Olivia Wilde anymore. Instead, they replace her with Amber Tamblyn, which (A), isn't remotely attractive, and (B), dresses like she came out of the Delorian on November 12, 1955. I just don't get what the producers are trying to do to me. It's like taking Michael Jordan off the Bulls and replacing him with Chris Mullin. Anyone that knows basketball knows Chris Mullin is no Michael Jordan. To pay homage to Olivia Wilde, the only reason I started watching House in the first place, I'll give you these pictures of her doing what she does best...being a rocket. Cheers to you Olivia. I missed you tonight 13. xoxox. ;)

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Muy Caliente.

The Oscars is basically a night for an elite group of self-indulgent narcissists to huddle around a microphone and tell each other how great they are. Every once in a blue moon, some fresh face comes along that isn't contaminated with the stench of elitism and offers a little hope to such an insufferable group. This year, that fresh face is Jennifer Lawrence. Not many people saw Winter's Bone, including me, but I can tell you right now, based on this red dress alone, I'll be able to give a review very soon.

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Something seems different

According to my extensive dialogue with women, they reveal to me that their bodies are never the same after having children. So, if that's true, if babies are hot body assassins, what kind of voodoo witchery is Penelope Cruz involved in? I've known Penelope Cruz since she ironically starred opposite Javier Bardem in the Spanish foreign language film Jamon Jamon. Essentially, for the last 19 years I've been a connoisseur of a naked Penelope Cruz and she's never looked better than she does right now. Some critics and feminists would say, "Is it only because her breasts are larger." To that insensitive inquiry, I would say, maybe. Probably. Most likely.

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Effing for Satan is so unoriginal.

Despite it being only March, 17 year old Taylor Momson's parents have sealed up my annual Parent(s) of the year award. Unless a story breaks about parents eating their children, this is a pretty solid lock. She's already done interviews where she spoke of her close relationship with her vibrator...oh by the way, that was when she was 16. If this were my daughter, I'd be funneling Drano and lighting myself on fire right now.

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It must be awesome to be high on Charlie Sheen.

I've tried to abstain from this self absorbed, bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenic, but honestly, it's simply too good to ignore any longer. Just when you think a house full of cocaine and porn stars costing him his job would be enough to scare him into recovery, think again. Instead, Charlie took the other route which consisted of doing more than a tractor trailer full of blow, scheduling an interview on a national television show, while being completely incoherent and bat-shit crazy.

Sheen said that he’s bored now with cocaine. But he said he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.
“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”


Your. face. will. melt. off. and. your. children. will. weep. over. your. exploded. body.

Drink that in for a minute. Still conscious? Now, tell me...what in the hell does it mean? This man gave up 1.8 million dollars an episode for Columbian blow and skanks that bang on camera for money. I don't know about you guys, but in this perilous economic time, I'm pretty sure 1.8 million per episode is pretty good for reading lines someone else has written while portraying a character based on your life of excess and poor decisions.

After I heard about this interview thios morning, I was praying that CBS would just tell his dumb ass, "Good Riddance." My prayers were answered because today, thanks Jesus, a rumor is swirling around Hollywood that CBS is talking to John Stamos to possibly replace Charlie Sheen on Two and Half Men as newly introduced character. Instead of a meth toothed narcissist, America gets a supermodel slaying playboy. I don't know if there's ever been a drug habit as public or as bad as this one. If the Vegas over/under for Charlie Sheen living three more months, I'd be blown away...no pun intended.

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I hate Chris Brown more than the Taliban.

Rihanna is hotter than Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. Chris Brown is an alleged bi-curious, definite girl beating little b%#$*. The first photos of Rihanna released that night showed some visible marks on her face, but really, for the most part, Tina Turner would have snickered a little. Well today that changed. The photos released today painted a much different story. One that could have easily painted a bleak and life threatening scenario for Rihanna. I've said this before, but let me reiterate. If I could get one hour to kick the shit out of anyone on Earth, besides Bin Laden of course, it would be this little punk. He has stars tattooed behind his ear. WOW...Chris, you're so scary, so masculine. You hit any girl, you're a pathetic excuse for a man, but if you hit this rocket dripping of pure sex appeal, you're begging for me to kick the shit out of you.

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John, lose the rug bro.

John Travolta is a Hollywood enigma. Like cats and Elton John's Tiny Dancer, he's had two lives in Hollywood. You see, Tiny Dancer saw its first success on John's fourth album, Madman Across the Water. Then, when everyone least expected it, Tiny Dancer arose from the ashes in Cameron Crowe's quirky and endearing 2000 film, Almost Famous. That's Travolta in a nutshell. In Grease, he was a gay guy, before gay of sorts, that got chicks. Then after years of grease royalties and a failing career, and a couple of unfortunate Look Who's Talking's, Tarantino saved him in Pulp Fiction. None of this is relavent to this picture, but it's fun to bring flamboyant gay singers like Elton John full circle to flamboyant gay singers like John Travolta.

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If you've seen this guy or this guy, please call the authorities.

America is so racist. I'm not sure what message this news cast is sending, but I can bet you if their suspect had been white, they wouldn't have posted two pictures of the same guy. This poor guy...it's bad enough you're wanted for a crime, but worse when you're two guys wanted for a crime.

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Russell Brand and Jordan Knight are totally brothers...

If Jordan Knight started a diet of bacon and Baby Ruth milkshakes and Russell Brand stopped shooting up black tar heroin they could be identical twins. It's uncanny how much these two look alike. In a related story, Katy Perry has huge cans.

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Mila Kunis reminds me how much I loved Black Swan

Mila Kunis was cast in Black Swan without an audition. Instead, she and the director, Darren Aronofsky, Skyped for ten minutes and that was it. He said he had fallen for Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and knew instantly she would be a perfect fit. Yeah, no kidding. Mila Kunis is gorgeous. You could cast Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a movie where they both read the phone book for two hours while wearing Snuggies and it would be a hit. I'm not sure Darren Aronofsky is as much a genius as he is normal sexually charged heterosexual male with great taste in women. Wait, I think I can direct. Hollyweird, here I come!

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Like threesomes, a supermodel talking football equals everyman's fantasy

Is there anything hotter than a rocket that knows sports? Often times, pretty girls pretend to know sports, but after a few minutes, you figure them out. They're like trannys in Thailand. On the exterior everything looks great, but upon further investigation, well, you know, things just aren't what they seem. With girls talking sports, it's usually when they call Tony Gonzalas a wide receiver, or they say the Steelers beat the Pats 14-28. I guess it's cute you're trying, but Gonzalas is a tight end and when you call out a score, you always say the winning team's score first. It's just how it's done. When you're as hot as Marisa Miller, you can can basically eat your offspring and it's ok. The fact that she's talking wild cards and quarterbacks makes her even hotter...if that's possible. Hey Marisa, I like the football. Call me.

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My couch pulls out but I dont.

The last two weekends have been devoted to a girl I fell in love with when she played a precocious girl next door wooing Timothy Hutton in 1995's Beautiful Girls, one of my favorite movies of all time. This particular young beautiful actress has graduated into roles that range from strippers to alien queens to objects of Trey Yearwood's wild obsessions. Natalie Portman had asked for a few hours of my life and I gladly gave it to her...not that way perverts...this way, Black Swan and No Strings Attached. Black Swan revealed 3 things to me. One, Mila Kunis will make any man start the process of trying to order a bride from Ukraine. Two, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were electric. Three, and most importantly, Darren Aronofsky is a complete genius. Four, I know I promised three, Natalie Portman is carrying my baby. What? I speak Yiddish and I love Jewish Women.

Oh yeah, as for No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman is very good looking. Ashton Kutcher is...well...um...Natalie Portman is very good looking.

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