Maxim Magazine has their finger on the pulse of the American Man.

Nothing on earth, besides Beyonce, Tyra Banks, Sean Hannity, and Meryl Streep, annoys me more than Maxim magazine. Actually, it's any mens magazine for that matter. How out-of-touch can you be with your target audience. It's almost like the editors of mens magazines are getting consulted by the Republican Party because neither have a clue to whom they're marketing. I don't have one ounce of homophobia, but I'm pretty sure every editor for Maxim, Playboy, Esquire, FHM, GQ are gay. It doesn't matter to me because I don't buy those stupid magazines anyway. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't have Katy Perry at the top of 2010's Maxim's Hot 100 List. That's just re-damn-diculous. She's not the best looking girl at a drag show. Case in Point:

Katy Perry-->#1
Alessandra Ambrosio-->#63

Katy Perry-->#1
Kelly Brook-->#89

Katy Perry-->#1
Marissa Miller-->#10

Katy Perry-->#1
Blake Lively-->#4

Are those numbers jokes? Does higher numbers mean a better score? Is this a golf or bowling hotness score? There's no way you can convince me that these magazines are trying to move copies, let alone, sell to men. I wouldn't purchase Maxim Magazine if you held a gun to my head while you fed my dog an anti-freeze smoothie. These people are so clueless they couldn't sell sexual fantasy unless it's wrapped in size 14 high heels, Adam's apples, and dancing to Reba's Fancy or anything by Cher. It's not that I care, just don't hand me an apple and tell me it's a pear. That's insulting. Also, that's why you can't sell magazines.

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Somebody been eatin' deep fried pasta cake

In 2007, Elisha Cuthbert played a porn star in Girl Next Door, where she moves in next door to a dorky high school kid and falls in love with him. Most importantly, in 2007 she looked like this:

and like this:


As you can tell from the picture below, Elisha must have moved because the girl living next door now is fat. I just don't get girls in Hollywood. Basically, the only thing they have to do is exercise, eat right and continue to look good and they guarantee themselves tons of money. That must be harder than kicking black-tar heroin because it seems every female celebrity becomes a sea donkey at some point. Elisha, lay off the carbs.

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Jennifer Anniston is an effortless beauty

Jennifer Anniston should wake up every day and thank her lucky stars that Brad Pitt got drunk one night and decided to love her. If it weren't for him, she would be David Schwimmer or Matt LeBlanc. It's no wonder she can't get over him and orchestrates herself to cover magazines that he might read like, Architectural Digest. Remove her rhinoplasty and she's this: (UH OH).

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Ch...Ch...Ch...Chia

Socialite, make-believe actor, and notorious butter-face, Audrina Patridge, has finally realized her stock should be shorted and has settled for a relationship with her male unfamous counterpart, Ryan Cabrerra. At least she knows her place on the evolutionary ladder of reproductive fitness. Every single time she leaves her house, I bet she refers to her Post-It note attached to her fridge: Accentuate expensive drips of golden silicone honey to divert attention from Chia Pet boyfriend. Hollywood has become a complete joke. Imagine Clark Gable, Katharine Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Carey Grant, or Mae West hanging out at a Hollywood Party with the cast from the The Hills or Jersey Shore. I hate Hollywood more than Whitney Houston.

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Am I the only one that doesn't get it...?

First if all, I have no effing clue who Christina Hendricks is...seriously. Second of all, if she was some smoking hot girl, I wouldn't care because I could still appreciate hotness within the enigma of anonymity. Except honestly, I've never seen this chick once unless her GINORMOUS breasts were accentuated up to her chin and her ridiculous red hair colored to a red found only in Crayola 128. She's just a walking hyperbole of what a woman should look like, which ironically, just doesn't work. Any one of the things she has going for her would typically work, but all in unison, FAIL. She looks like the Bride of Frankenstein and that freaks me the F out. This is exactly how I know that monthly magazines have "Jumped the Shark". When Esquire makes this chit Sexiest Woman Alive, I want to rip off my genitals and send them to Esquire. This chick, in the real world, wouldn't be the hottest chick on third shift as a roller skating server at Sonic. Just another chalked up reason why Hollywood sucks more than Cancer.

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Blake Lively is kinda pretty...and by kinda...I mean VERY.

If you wake up everyday and stare into the mirror and looking back at you is someone on the Hills, pretending to be famous, your life sucks. It sucks mainly because you're on minute 14.8 of 15. Aside from that though, it sucks because you're a twenty something trying your best to exploit your 9 body and 6 face while hiding lack of talent, which by the way, isn't working...we can see you have no talent. I bet 100 dollars every one of those chicks, Audrina Cavallari, Heidi Port, Brody Conrad, or whatever their stupid names are, spend their nights sticking pins into voodoo dolls that look like Blake Lively. Honestly, she makes looking hot so simple. I would move 30 lbs of hot coals with my mouth for one chance to see her underpants. If your face and legs are this complimentary there's nothing you can be besides be the object of sexual starved men's fantasies. Not since Cindy Crawford has a mole on the face been more desirable. In the most creepy way imaginable, I look at it and wanna eat it like an M&M.

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Tyra Banks is a comedic genius... P.s. Nice outfit.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I actually can't believe my eyes. I work hard everyday in the trenches and this woman is a celebrity. This woman is a model. It makes me physically ill to think that Tyra Banks is a millionaire. It also makes me physically ill to watch her salivate all over her audience. I would punch her in the face and rip off her weave if she did this to me. Behavior like that is something you see cannibal savages in Papua New Guinea do...not people with their own television show. I would have loved to be in the brainstorming session where Tyra's self-absorbed idiocy formulated this one.

Tyra: Oh...guys listen...hoooo hooooo (obnoxious laugh) claps hands,.....this is gonna be so damn funny yall. hoooo hoooo.

Creative Team: Waiting while continuing to lean into the conference table awaiting aforementioned funny idea.

Tyra: Get this yall! Git dis. Ok ok...I come out and tell my audience im not feeling well. Oh no even bettah...that I was out jogging and a dog bit me! Oh damn ya'll this gone be so funny. I'll say that they gave me a rabies shot! Oh damn! Then I'll pop a foaming pill in my mouth like an alka selzer or something and when I start foam, I'll act all crazy like I'm rabies.

Creative Team: Wide eyes...silence.

Tyra: You see? I can't wait! This gonna be the best show. Ok. Thanks for your input ya'll.

Creative Team: All looking at one another. Mouths open. Silence.

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