Gronk is a beast.

 Being 6'6" 265lbs and athletic is ridiculous. God just never gives size strength and athleticism. It's so rare that if you're that size, there's almost nothing else you can do with your life except for be a certified bad ass in the NFL. If I were that size, I would be a total mess. There's a few type of people to which life never says the word no: Athletes, entertainers, and beautiful women. Gronk lives life exactly as I would. The life span of an athlete is short anyway, but an NFL player, even shorter. He's living life to the fullest, yet people give him shit for partying. He's 24. Good Lord. What do these people expect? He's not shooting himself in the leg, he's not skipping practices, and he just continues to put up sick numbers. Isn't he doing what you're paying him to do? After the criticism for being boozed up and shirtless and having girls hanging off his biceps, he goes to Universal Studios with a shirt that says, "Sorry for partying." Gronk...well played sir. Well played.

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Man gets hammered...uses taco as ID. (One guess where he's from)

Matthew Falkner found out the hard way after he passed out drunk in the drive-thru of a Jensen Beach Taco Bell and his car caught fire. The incident occurred in the early morning of October 1 in Jensen Beach, according to the blog Off the Beat. Falkner, 30, had apparently decided to make a run for a fourth meal after downing some beers, and he somehow made it all the way to the fast-food joint in his Chevy pickup, placed his order, and received his taco before falling asleep.

 A deputy awoke Falkner and then asked for his ID. Falkner said no before reaching into his bag and presenting the officer with a taco. Another deputy clarified they were asking for an ID, not a taco. Falkner chuckled and began eating the taco.

 Then deputies noticed Falkner had fallen asleep with his foot on the accelerator while his truck was in park. The engine had caught fire, and fire extinguishers were used to put it out. Falkner's blood alcohol content was between .227 and .225, according to a breath test. That's three times the legal limit. He was hauled off to jail on DUI charges. No word on the fate of the taco.

 This guy is a bad ass...except for he's a danger to himself and everyone else in the world. No shock this dip shit is from Florida. Where else are you so sad with your current life direction that you'd get liquored up to a .225 and decide to drive to Taco Bell. When a cop asks you for your ID and you hand them a taco, you have "I don't give a f" or "Life doesn't matter to me anymore" tattooed all over you. I think Taco Bell is a restaurant chain owned by Satan, like Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate. I think he's got his hands in all the blasphemous and sordid activities that transpire at that restaurant. Think about it. When is the last thing that ever happened that was inspiring or uplifting at a Taco Bell. It's always tragic stories. I know two people that have gotten DUI's either in the drive thru or leaving the drive thru of a Taco Bell. My father used to say, "Nothing good happens after midnight." Well, dad, I'm starting to agree, especially if you're in the line at Taco Bell.

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Chris Brown's class surprises no one...ever.

Rihanna and Chris Brown were so close together at the Grammy's they looked like marsupials. They were overheard saying, "Ike and Tina aren't the only show in town." I almost feel sorry for these two. Thank God they are famous because you couldn't combine their IQ's get to a fully functional human being's average level. I tried to follow Rihanna on Twitter for like two days and it was trying to read words thrown into a bowl and pulled out at random. It's very possible she's mentally retarded. But she is hot. As for that clown, his career is dropping faster than Lindsey Lohan's breasts and eyelids. Then, in the least surprising thing of the night, Chris Brown refuses to stand up when he didn't win the Grammy against Frank Ocean (Whoever the eff that is). The Grammy's have officially become a three hour reminder of my age and my lack of pop music knowledge. Because I'm a pop culture loser, I know infinitely more than most so I can't imagine how out-of-touch normal people are. I digress. The point is, Rihanna is a few clock ticks away from having her eyes swollen shut again.

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North Korea be Crazy

North Korea rarely lets its people have electricity because in that God forsaken country the delusional leaders are using it all to create propaganda videos to further brainwash its people. When I was in 5th grade, I was part of an anti-drug movie that we, the students wrote the script for and used a video camera about the size of a Mini Cooper to film. It was horrible, but funny. It was like 1988 so one couldn't expect much. The point is, is that movie was of higher quality than this piece of shit. This rendition of Jackson's "We Are the World" is so funny to me. What instrument is that....harpsichord? I could kick cans down the street and give you something that sounds more like We are the world. Anyway, these clowns are nuts. Sooner or later, either them or Iran will pay enough to get something significant enough to wake people up. I hope I never see that day.

North Korea at Night.

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In Miami, eff you gets you thirty days in the clink.

View more videos at: http://nbcmiami.com.

Penelope Soto, 18, was arrested for possession of Xanax and was brought before Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat Monday, where she was asked about her assets. Soto, who was sporting orange jail clothes and smiled and stroked her hair through the proceeding, laughed when she was asked how much her jewelry was worth.

"It's not a joke, you know, we're not in a club now," Rodriguez-Chomat told her. "We are not in a club, be serious about it."

"I'm serious about it, you just made me laugh," Soto replied. "You just made me laugh, I apologize. It's worth a lot of money."

"Like what?" the judge asked.

"Like Rick Ross. It's worth money," she said.

The judge, not understanding the odd reference to the South Florida rapper, asked Soto if she's taken any drugs in the past 24 hours.

"Actually, no," she replied.

Rodriguez-Chomat set her bond at $5,000 and said "bye,bye," and Soto laughed and replied "Adios." 

Annoyed, Rodriguez-Chomat summoned her back and reset her bond at $10,000, shocking Soto.

"Are you serious," she asked.

"I am serious. Adios," he replied.

Soto started to walk away when she flipped Rodriguez-Chomat her middle finger and blurted "[expletive] you."


 My grandfather always joked, "If you want justice, go to a whorehouse. If you wanna get screwed go to the courthouse." Now of course, he said that flippantly, much like he said most things. I don't disagree with him too much though. My problem isn't with the judges ruling; after all, she was guilty. Criminals break the law and they should be punished. The problem I have is that criminal behavior is glorified through video games, movies, TV, magazines, music, celebrity, etc. I walk such a fine line here considering my staunch Libertarianism. Personal responsibility is first and foremost. Without that, there is no order. It's just that everyone isn't as smart as me. When morons watch Lindsey Lohan spend most of her 20's in court and nothing happens, it tricks them into believing this nonsense goes unpunished. It doesn't. If people weren't such pansies about punishing criminals none of this would even matter. We should send them to strenuous and tortuous work camps. Get something out of these degenerates. We should put them on huge farms in Kansas and make them produce their own food. Teach them to repair tractors, crop management, anything to give the ones who want reform a chance. If you don't wanna play by the rules, we'll give you a different game to play. This one involves immense heat, a sledgehammer and taking huge rocks and turning them into much smaller ones all day every day. Did I mention immense heat. It simply costs the law abiding producers in this country too damn much money to continue providing them with luxuries that many families in poverty don't even have. It's sickening. I have no remorse for multiple offenders. And not only do I have no remorse for criminals that break into homes of gun owners, but I get giddy when I hear stories like that. Insensitive, maybe to you and your guilt, but not me. Break in my home, you will die or walk out with a severe limp, but only because I emptied the clip trying to give you a dirt nap. I bet Ms Soto thinks twice before telling a judge to F himself.

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Destiny's Grandchild

For anyone that has followed this blog for years (thanks mom), you would know my level of disdain for Beyonce Thunder Thighs Knowles.  Last night, while she was fornicating with the stage, I literally stared at the television amidst a major dichotomy.  Did I (a) want her 40,000 dollar weave to catch on fire like that Great White concert or (b) chug the Drano that I was holding in my left hand.  Was I really watching a pop group that had like three hits?  I mean, at this point why bother having a singer at all?  If all they're gonna do is lip-synch and fornicate, just put out strippers to dance around the pyrotechnics.  Destiny's Child...seriously?  Was that like Beyonce's Olive Branch to those poor other members?  Is that what our music options have come to?  How many hits do they have like 4?  The Halftime Superbowl Show is the most overrated event in the world.  Every person over the age of 50 was scratching his/her head last night in disbelief.  They were like, Beyonwho?  Here's my fair warning -- If you speak of how sexy Beyonce is around me, Im going to punch you in the face with significant force.  If sex with with a gargoyle or Beyonce Knowles was presented, I'm not sure I could choose between the two.

Oh, by the way....don't tell me how great she looks post baby when she didn't have a damn baby in the first place.  If you hire a surrogate, just come clean.  Be honest.  Everything else on your body is fake, might as well admit your pregnancy was too.

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Posthumously Stiff

A nurse was arrested for committing a sex act with a corpse at a hospital, police said Tuesday. Alejandro Lazo, 61, was arrested at Sherman Oaks Hospital on Sunday for investigation of a state Health and Safety Code violation, a felony. Lazo, who lives in suburban Reseda, was released after posting $20,000 bail, and he must appear in court on Feb. 11.

 There is no attorney of record and no telephone listing for Lazo. Someone at the San Fernando Valley hospital reported seeing Lazo engaged in a sex act with the body, Officer Bruce Borihanh said. Investigators haven't disclosed whether the body was that of a man or a woman, Borihanh said. 

Anyone who commits an act of sexual penetration on, or has sexual contact with, human remains without lawful authority is guilty of a felony, according to the California Health and Safety Code. 

"Sexual contact means any willful touching by a person of an intimate part of a dead human body for the purpose of sexual arousal, gratification, or abuse," the code states.


 So let me get this straight...you can have sex with a corpse, but only if you have lawful authority? I don't even know what that means, but surely it doesn't excuse sex with dead people. I'm not trying to be insensitive to this story, but honestly, if I kick the bucket and some sex starved 61 year old nurse needs to get a thrill, I'll be the first to selflessly surrender my life to science. Let's face it, I'm not gonna be using it anymore.

 *Disclaimer* I couldn't find a picture of an appropriate dead person so I thought Lindsey Lohan would be the closest thing.

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