KEEPING AUSTIN WEIRD, INDEED.

Movoto is a real estate website that has come out with a few interesting lists as of late.  What makes the lists particularly interesting is their views on the city of Atlanta.  Let me say, I've lived in many places and nowhere is perfect.  Florida is exceedingly miserable, but even that hell hole has some redeeming qualities...namely no state income tax.  Also, well...that's about it.  What makes me so pissed off about articles like this is that most people are too stupid to see the obvious political slant.  The writer of this article is from Austin Texas.  If you've never been to Austin, it's basically Berkley if Berkley were in a Red State.  What I mean by that is, only people in Berkley think Berkley is cool.  Same with Austin.  Which is why they come up with stupid slogans like, "Keep Austin Weird."  You know what, Austin...as long as you keep reproducing hipsters, jobless Socialists looking for handouts, self-proclaimed artists and hacky-sack hemp growing champions, you don't have to worry about KEEPING Austin weird.  It'll do just fine on its own.  As for this liberal Movoto writer, I would be shocked if she's ever been to the city of Atlanta. Regardless though, she took the criteria below and ranked American cities and Atlanta came out on top as the "Most redneck City in the America."  First of all, this is ridiculous because not too long ago the same stupid website ranked a city the "Nerdiest City in America."  Guess what city that was...ATLANTA.  How can a city be most redneck and nerdiest at the same time.  To me, that seems a little counterintuitive.  This website has zero credibility, but if I were the capital investors of this waste of cyberspace, I would fire the dogshit out of this writer because the axe she is grinding on Atlanta seems really personal.  If I were to guess, I bet she was interested in a guy here and since Atlanta is essentially the Mecca for single guys, he probably took one whiff of that dirty footed hemp necklaced dreaded Janis Joplin doppelgänger and hauled ass to the first blonde with a real southern accent and a fake rack.  

Another day, another list.  This one, from Movoto's Natalie Grigson, an Austin Native, ranks "The 10 Most Redneck Cities in America," and what do you know there are two texas cities on them.  Yes, Fort Worth and Arlington have been ranked the sixth and seventh most redneck cities in the nation.  The full list:

1. Atlanta, GA
2. Kansas City, MO
3. Oklahoma City, OK
4. Nashville, TN
5. Tulsa, OK
6. Fort Worth, TX
7. Arlington, TX
8. Sacramento, CA
9. Cleveland, OH
10. Mesa, AZ

Sacramento? Sacramento, California? We were skeptical, too, but after looking at their methodology we were less skeptical?
• Percent of population that didn’t complete high school
• Number of gun and ammo stores per capita
• Number of taxidermists per capita
• Number of cowboy boot stores per capita
• Number of country radio stations per capita
• Number of NASCAR race tracks close by
• Number of Walmarts per capita
• Number of riding lawn mower/tractor repair shops per capita

Here is the Nerd Section:

Of course, the creators of the infographic didn’t just pull out the list from their behind. They did have a criteria:

•   Number of annual comic book, video game, anime, and

   Sci-fi/fantasy conventions

•   People per comic book store

•   People per video game store

•   People per traditional gaming store

•   People per computer store

•   People per bookstore

•   People per LARPing group

•   People per science museum

•   Distance to the nearest Renaissance faire

I don’t know about you, but those items are pretty convincing. If I were looking to move to the US, I would definitely use this infographic as a starting point.

So here you go, America’s 10 nerdiest cities:

1.            Atlanta, GA

2.            Portland, OR

3.            Seattle, WA

4.            Sacramento, CA

5.            Minneapolis, MN

6.            Boston, MA

7.            Las Vegas, NV

8.            Miami, FL

9.            San Jose, CA

10.          Denver, CO

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Yeah...ok Kim...if you say so.

This picture is a blimp Kim Kardashian. No, seriously, this is how she looks in real life. WTF is going on btw? Which is front...wait. Huh? This picture is what Kim Kardashian's harem of handlers, publicists, agents, psychics, chefs, photographers and digitizing wizards says she looks like. RUFKM? Those two people are barely the same species. The person in the top photo looks like it ate the one below. I'm so sick of this human being. What makes me even more sick is that she and Kanye West reproduced before me. If I die, my genetic material will cease...yet those two despicable people's DNA will live another day. FML.

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Finding a genie that looks like this would present me with a multitude of problems.

I've been asked several times to comment on Hannah Davis, the DirectTV Genie, SI Swimsuit model, and another in the long list of women to get acquainted with Derek Jeter's penis.  The 5'10" Fiona Apple look-a-like, sans heroin, grew up in St Thomas.  I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this chick.  Don't get me wrong, I think she's sexy, but there's almost too much of a good thing going on.  It's as if her features are hyperbolized.  Look, big lips are nice, but not this much.  Blue eyes are gorgeous, but Village of the Damn eyes that can steal your soul is another.  Tall is awesome, but WNBA Big Bird height is something completely different.  Big breasts are fantastic, but...well...big breasts are fantastic.  I'm not trying to be flippant.  I simply just want to tone down things a bit.  These pictures remind me of taking a really hot girl on a walk down River Street in Savannah and stopping at one of those street artists that draw caricatures of people that essentially do nothing but make you feel even more insecure about your one obvious unattractive feature.  Also, I miss the Russian guy on the DirectTV commercials that raised miniature giraffes.  He was awesome.  

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Narcissism induced self loathing.

A german study found that those who use the first-person singular more often tend to have more personal problems and are more likely to be depressed.

In the study, 103 women and 15 men completed 60- to 90-minute psychotherapeutic interviews about their relationships, their past, and their self-perception. (99 of the subjects were patients at a psychotherapy clinic who had problems ranging from eating disorders to anxiety.) They also filled out questionnaires about depression and their interpersonal behavior.

Then, researchers led by Johannes Zimmerman of Germany's University of Kassel counted the number of first-person singular (I, me) and first-person plural (we, us) pronouns used in each interview. Subjects who said more first-personal singular words scored higher on measures of depression. They also were more likely to show problematic interpersonal behaviors such as attention seeking, inappropriate self-disclosure, and an inability to spend time alone.

Anyone who has dealt with self-obsessed teenagers will say, "Duh." And the report doesn't mention those who use predominantly third person pronouns; the contrast was with the prevalence of first person plurals, like "we" or "us." Of course, this study doesn't mean that the language causes depression -the word frequency could be a symptom of underlying mental conditions. 

I'm hardly a psychologist, but this seems like the most obvious thing ever studied.  Wait, selfish, self-absorbed people are unhappy? No way!  What seems odd about this is the contradiction between being selfish and unhappy and evolution and reproductive success rewarding the selfish gene.  According to Richard Dawkins book, The Selfish Gene, published in 1976, decisions are gene centered and not focused on the organism as a whole.  So, are we in an internal battle against ourselves?  Wait, huh?  
I think I just confused myself.  Back to supermodels.  

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Chris Brown always surprises me with his chivalry and self-awareness

Chris Brown is dumber than shit.  Literally, I mean that.  I mean shit is literally smarter than Chris Brown.  I bet his publicist wakes up every single day and cringes as she/he opens her laptop just wondering what idiotic thing he has said or done since over the last 25 min.  In fact, the only thing dumber on this planet than Chris Brown, are Chris Brown fans and Rihanna.  Chris Brown beat a woman this badly:

"...punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

This man is 23 years old and he goes on GMA to reveal that it took him 52 weeks of counseling to know he shouldn't do (^) that.  It literally took 52 weeks to figure out that you can't beat a woman so badly that your car resembles the car from Pulp Fiction when they "shot Marvin in the face."  I would love to get about 10 minutes with Chris Brown.  I would love to see him weep for mercy.  I would beat him down and just when I was about to deliver the final punishing blow, I would honk his nose like Mr Miyagi.  

P.S. Rihanna is very dumb, yet extremely hot.  

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Holy Fun Bag.

I'm not the wisest of 35 year olds on Earth, but one thing I can say without equivocation is I never knew a woman's uterus could be located in her breast.  Kim Kashjhfjdhkian appears to be carrying the spawn of Satan in hers.  I've never seen a more elaborate human transformation.  It's like she's carrying a werewolf.  Are her implants pregnant or is she?  I seriously have stared at this photo for ten minutes and I can't make out anything.  Is she standing on her head?  Help!

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Even though I don't get this pudgy supermodel, this would be flippin' awesome.

Kate Upton @KateUpton 

“@jakedavidson23: youtube.com/watch?v=NvxqUE…” you can call me Katie if you want! How could I turn down that video! I'll check my schedule ;)

about 4 hours ago 

Other than his own, this poor high school senior probably hasn't been close to anything that resembles a reproductive organ in his life.  Which is probably the main reason she is considering this PR once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  You can't pay for press this promising with millions.  "Wait, are you telling me the SI Swim Suit cover model is going on a date with an average high school kid?  Awww, how sweet is that?"

Well allow me to retort.  It's not sweet.  It's cruel/It's gonna be three hours of awkward silences while all the jocks in school try to take out the little Jewish kid that brought Kate Upton to prom.  It's gonna be a disaster.  Then, when she's tired of the shenanigans and she thinks she's milked the situation for all the positive press it can muster, she's gonna leave, but not before giving him some lame kiss on the cheek in front of the whole school.  So, then he's left dateless and an even BIGGER problem in his pants, despite the "Something About Mary" preparation.  Stories like this kind of piss me off because they're simply not done for the right reasons.  What are the right reasons you ask?  Premarital sex and a date that can pay for everything.

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