Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta aka Lady Gaga

There's part of me that understands the rarity and creativity in Picasso's cubism. I know it looks weird and often indulgent, but if you're the first, it's genius. In that same way, I appreciate Lady Gaga. I know she's probably got an IQ of 160; afterall, she was learned to play piano by ear at age 4 and was accepted to Juilliard at 11. Precociousness like that explains alot of those stupid costumes and original sounds. Moreover, I feel a little sorry for her because I feel as if she's always been the square peg in the round hole of normalcy. She's not a bad looking girl with all that crap stripped away. I mean considering how weird she is and all, but those breasts. Damn girl. You're like 22. Have you been breast feeding your roadies? The last time I saw something like this was the April 1989 issue of National Geographic Magazine. You're loaded now. Pump em up. You dont even have to make it obvious, but we simply can't continue on the path we're on. I'm getting freaked out. It's like you're a surrogate for the real rock star's child with breasts hanging like that.

What did one 60 year old breast say to the other? We better get some support soon or people are gonna think we're nuts.

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She's so pretty it hurts my soul.

If this girl gets any cuter, she's gonna be staring at me during our court case for my restraining order. Honest to God, I could watch her read the phonebook and get turned on. Armegeddon from a surprise giant asteroid, an 8.6 earthquake or my body breaking out with hundreds of boils from leprosy, would be the only way my ass isn't planted in front of the television on Dec 5 watching her on SNL. You know when I sacrifice 2 hours of my life for that dreadful show, there must be something truly remarkable. Well, all I can say is, Blake Lively's stock isn't the only thing rising. I'd risk 24 hour exposure to gamma radiation for one hour of matress dancing with this smokeshow.

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Little did I know in 1990, my life began.

This picture takes me back to 1991. I was 12 years old and naive to the ways of this cruel world. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Prince of Tides, Silence of the Lambs were all movies making their presence known in the box office. Phil Collins was raking out hits while a young Garth Brooks' was becoming a megastar. The Game Boy's instant success finally made it possible to read even less than you did before. I think this is about the time I started my cultural identity crisis in which I desperately wanted to be black. I attribute that to Boyz N the Hood and my mourning for Ricky. I knew he was gonna do well on that SAT. I knew he would go to USC. What a tragedy. "Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on the hood." Also, some youngster named Brad Pitt made a name for himself in Thelma and Louise. Johnny Utah was an FBI Agent! C+C Music Factory managed to string about three heinous hits together along with the most obvious abuse of steroids by the lead (singer?). Bugle Boy had become the brand of all brands. Distal Radius fractures were a dime a dozen since everyone had to have rollerblades for the first time. Anita Hill made Clarence Thomas' life a living hell. If you didn't have Z Cavaricci's you were a nobody. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were heroes in a half shell. All of this made my 7th grade year magical, but nothing more than the BIRTH OF THE SUPERMODEL. Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Stephanie Seymour, Linda Evangalista, Kate Moss, Rachel Hunter, Elle McPherson, Christy Turlington, Helena Christensen, and Eva Herzigova. It was Linda Evangalista that said, "We have this saying, Christy (Turlington) and I. We don't get out of bed for less than 10,000 a day." That one single statement changed my life forever because with that, came the Supermodel. Objectifying women seems harsh. I don't do that. In fact, it's the complete antithesis. I prefer to say I revere women because of these statuesque figures of sexuality and unattainable desire. Being such a magnet for these chicks is a curse. It's not fair, but hey, neither is life. It's my scarlett letter. I embrace it because I have to. I embrace because there's no one else that can bear this burden. I will sacrifice. I will perservere. I will embrace my gift and my brand. I will be strong. I'm a survivor.

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Sometimes, you just gotta leave it alone...

Like many adopted children, Matthew Roberts set about finding his biological parents with a mix of nerves and excitement. In particular, he hoped that discovering his father's identity would help him to work out what made him the man he had become. But nothing could have prepared him for being told his dad was... serial killer CHARLES MANSON.

Matthew, 41 - who bears a haunting resemblance to his father - sank into depression after discovering his identity. He has since been in contact with his dad in a series of letters to his California prison and Manson has replied - each time chillingly signing off with a swastika. Now Matthew, who was given up for adoption as a baby, has told of his horror at finding out he was the son of a monster.

Poison pen ... letter from Manson to Matthew
He says: "I didn't want to believe it. I was frightened and angry. It's like finding out that Adolf Hitler is your father.

"I'm a peaceful person - trapped in the face of a monster."

Matthew grew up in Rockford, Illinois, and didn't know he was adopted until his sister told him when he was ten.

He loved his adoptive parents but always knew he was different. He says: "My parents were great people, but very conservative.

Yeah, obviously your adoptive parents didn't entice mass murder. I'd surely classify that as conservative. I bet that your adoptive parents didn't have a swastika tattooed on their foreheads either. I heard about this story on Colin Cowheard's radio program and he's right, sometimes things are just better left unturned. When you're a struggling DJ in LA and you think your life culdn't get aany worse, you probe your parents for your biological origin only to find your're the offspring of this guy.

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Seriously, the greatest day of my life, every year.

Christmas morning came early, as it does every year about this time, as the Angels exposed all of Victoria's Secrets. If the cure for all the world's diseases relied on me never watching this lingerie expose again, you better re-up your life insurance cause the cancer is knockin on your door. This hasn't aired on TV yet, but when it does, I'm gonna lock all the doors, saturate the walls, floors and carpet with water and cover the walls with lubricant because simply based on the amount of friction, that's about the only way I won't burn my house down. If spending one night as King Solomon and having these girls in my harem were possible, I would trade a lifetime of scabies, HPV, and talking like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. If you're one of those religious freaks that sends your kid to church to "cure his gayness" because you're suspicious he might be, I have an idea. Print out these pics, show them them to him, and if he doesn't pitch a tent within 3 seconds, he likes penis.

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OBAMACARE

I've tried to steer clear of insipid political posts lately, but this can't be ignored. This week the Government took its first steps in the slippery slope of Health Care Rationing. Despite breast cancer being down over 30% and early detection contributing to the decline in the mortality rate every year since 1990, a group of bureaucrats got together this week and decided to ignore what's working and jeopardize women's health all over the world.

A government task force said Monday that most women don't need mammograms in their 40s and should get one every two years starting at 50 — a stunning reversal and a break with the American Cancer Society's long-standing position. What's more, the panel said breast self-exams do no good, and women shouldn't be taught to do them.

For a minute, think of this. Picture 8 women in your life. 1 of them WILL be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lifetime. For every 4 cancer diagnoses in women, it's responsible for 1 of them. How many people do you know that have battled this dreadful disease? How many of those people detected the lump in their breast themselves? Not only is this advice wildly irresponsible, but it's rationing health care in an attempt to decrease costs. Bureaucrats didn't stop there, however, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists or ACOG now say women younger than 30 should undergo cervical cancer screening once every two years instead of an annual exam. And those age 30 and older can be screened once every three years. If this isn't foreshadowing Obamacare well enough for you, you should either set your alarm because you're alseep, or just come to grips with the fact that you're the one of the dumbest people in America. The facts are, Obamacare will significantly decrease the number of providers, while conversely exponentially increasing the number of patients, many of whom don't have citizenship or pay taxes. Explain that system to me. You don't need a PhD in economics to see that's a failed system. If you decrease providers while increasing patients, there's only one way to reduce the overall costs associated with health care. Reduce (RATION) YOUR CARE. Right now, as I type this, Congress is in a hurried debate surrounding this Health Care Reform Bill so they can recess and have the week off. These people aren't serving our best interest. They don't care about improving our health care. They will not be forced to participate in this health care system if and when it passes. Despite what Jesse Jackson says to convince you otherwise, you can still be black and be against a Government run health care. We're pawns in a political power struggle, except instead of getting a candidate we despise for four or eight years, we get a health care system that kills us faster.

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Megan Fox is sublte

I know most misguided people couldn't disagree with me more about my utter disdain for Megan Fox, but as you can see in these pics, it's just hard for me to find the attraction to someone so shy and unsure of themselves. She's just so humble and so talented. Nothing would make me happier than Brian Austin Green dumping her dumb ass. My girlfriend could be Helen of Troy, but if she came home with these heinous tattoos, I'd drop her like a bad habit. As I've said before, if you think she's the hottest girl in the world, first of all, I hate you, but second, she dates Brian Austin Green. Honestly, does anything else need to be said? No. It doesn't.

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