“Your heart is my piñata.”

I really was planning on posting a lot of the material that I've been storing in my downloads box, but as some of you know, Blake Lively announced today that she and num-nutsPenn Badgley had broken up. So, as you can imagine, that changed my daily timeline. Instead of blogging all afternoon on useless stories no one cares about, I spent it buying flowers, handcuffs, GHB and ski masks. I know she loves me. I can tell because when I pull this picture out of my pocket, the one where she took a shower for me while I was hanging outside her window from that rusted vine grate, she always looks at me. I can see it in her eyes. She's always aiming to please me. The cops are in on our little game too. It's so fun. They keep saying, "Mr Roethlisberger (clever right? That's what they think my name is) You cannot be on this property according to the Los Angeles County Courts." Keeping with the game, I just nod, wink, and say, Ohhh...I get it. Yes siiirrrrr, I'm leaving (wink wink) now...."

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Incredible stupidity = Gene pool cleansing

People Are Awesome - Watch more Sports

Despite half of these people not having a chance to live past 30, videos like this, to me, are wildly entertaining. A couple of these I had to rewatch because I was literally staring in disbelief.

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No to marijuana, yes to murder. Yep, Florida strikes again.

In 2007 she captured global attention as the Hiccup Girl, a 15-year-old who spent nearly six weeks searching for a remedy for her non-stop bout of hiccups – a journey documented by multiple visits to NBC's Today. However, since then, Jennifer Mee, 19, of St. Petersburg has taken up a new hobby, Robbery and Murder. She, along with two others are charged with first-degree murder in the death of Shannon Griffin, 22, whom they tried to rob on Saturday. Just to ensure that everyone knew what a hopeless dip shit loser she was, Jennifer, on her MySpace page, describes herself as a "female version of a hustla."

Many questions could arise from this troubled teen's story, yet none more perplexing than, "Who has a Myspace page?"

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It's gonna be a tough task, but try to pick out the famous people.

When I look at the pictures of the Jersey Snores above, I can hardly contain my laughter. It looks like a terrible typical SNL skit. Snooki has on 6"heels and still couldn't ride one roller coaster in North America. The other two look like younger versions of Magda from, There's Something About Mary. Conversely, the other picture looks like two angels singing hymns from Heaven. The differences between these two pictures are the epitome of what's wrong with pop culture in America. In fact, these barely resemble the same species.

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Jennifer Aniston's photography classes are really paying off...

Everyone, except me of course, thought Brad and Angie would last about 10 seconds. Since 2005 they have been having sex and causing Jennifer Aniston to sew Voo-Doo dolls of skinny brunettes defying the odds and you can see from the pictures here, they still kiss for fun. With lips like Jolie's, who wouldn't kiss for fun. She could murder a Care Bear riding My Little Pony and I would still want to have sex with her. Yeah she's weird, so what. Who isn't? We'd be perfect. I'm weird as hell. Angelina, I like kids...especially adopted ones with funny names. Call me.

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This is precisely how I know Maxim sucks.

Avril Lavigne hasn't been relevant, well really ever, but at least since 2003 or so. She's like a 27 year old version of a girl you dated when you were in 6th grade. Either Maxim is dedicated to turning me into a pedophile that likes pale, flat chested, 4'1" 6th graders, or they hate sexy women. Maxim magazine sucks my ass. I would rather send my money to continue helping Sally Struthers steal food from those poor African children than give one dime to Maxim Magazine.

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wowzers.

I've been looking at a blinking cursor for three hours and I can't think of one reason I'm posting this picture of Victoria's Secret model Candice Swanepoel. I'm almost positive this picture was taken in Heaven by God, which is why it's beyond my comprehension. God, thank you for uploading this JPEG. You're amazing.

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