Why Cheryl Cole was fired from X Factor is beyond me.

Simon Cowell's baby, The X Factor, started very strong. Mind you, this was primarily because British smokeshow, Cheryl Cole, was a judge. I'll agree listening to her mumble words of the Queen's English in one of the most unidentifiable and rural British accents, was anything but sexy...and this is coming from a guy that loves almost any accent. Unless, of course, you found those people in the bottom of the Titanic dancing with Rose and Jack sexy. They weren't. Cheryl Cole is the rocket of all rockets. I know I'm splitting hairs here, but one negative are those little stubby sausage fingers she has. It's almost "little person"esque. But again, I'm being a little harsh here, because I would walk over AIDS pudding with bleeding feet for a chance at this chick.

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For those of you that don't live in your mom's basement, or operate unsuccessful blogs like mine, you probably have never heard of Daisy Lowe. If her face looks familiar, I still would bet you didn't know she is Gavin Rossdale's love child from some smoking hot chick about 19 years ago. Well now, lucky for us, Daisy is a model and she likes to be at least partially clothed. I included this video that I dare you to only watch one time. In fact, if you can show that amount of self restraint, I would call your family doctor to get your hormones checked, because you certainly have low testosterone levels. Daisy is in the new issue of Esquire UK. If that weren't A, a magazine, which no one reads anymore anyway, or B, a liberal manifesto, I would expect you to buy it, if for no other reason than the video above.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpgL5kuBpMA I would've left Plax alone, but I picked him up in Fantasy this year after drinking too many beers and I'm angry and bitter at his lack of productivity. Regardless, this is pretty funny. (Note to self) Never take gun into NYC.

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http://youtu.be/o64Fz-KW1Dk This is just a microcosm of what's wrong with this country that was once the greatest in the world. These losers, whether a parody video or not, are sensationalizing the dishonesty and abuse of a system designed to help the needy. I don't consider the needy people decked out in expensive sneakers, new hats, brand name jeans, etc. Welfare will never work and as time goes on, it becomes increasingly more apparent. Actions like this from capable, healthy potential earners is an insult to the droves of people that came to this country through Ellis Island battling disease and poverty for the opportunity to create their own future. So many of the people that created the most businesses and contributed to the most successful industries started in poverty because poverty with opportunity was better than the country they came from. I know many of you will watch this video and laugh, but honestly, I don't see one damn funny thing about it. In fact, I'm embarrassed. America as we know it is doomed.

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Wait, an Olsen sister I don't hate?

I've never known how in the hell those trolls Mark Kate and Ashley Olsen stayed famous after they were filmed pooping their pants as infants on Full House. To add insult to my personal injuries, they amassed a fortune of nearly a billion dollars while stumbling around SoHo in cartoonishly oversized clothes that look like they fished out of a dumpster. While these two turn every bad decision into millions, my life, comparatively speaking, is like a masterpiece of perfectly connected dots that ended up looking like Chaz Bono. Turns out, the Ewoks have a sister. Her name is Elizabeth and boy oh boy, is she pretty. I mean, she's not THAT pretty, but you have to put things in perspective. This chick came from the same jumbled pot of genetics as 3'4" gremlins. Elizabeth isn't a prude either, which makes me very happy. Girls that are stingy with their God given abilities really have no place in my life. Elizabeth is some artsy indie movie and she bears it all. Unlike her sisters, thank God, she needs the money and fame and is willing to do the proper things to get it: Nudity. The movie has been a sundance hit and is called, "Martha Marcy May Marlene." Elizabeth even has some Oscar buzz. More young Hollywood starlets should learn the obvious glaring lesson from this story that I've been preaching for years: Take your clothes off and you'll be popular.

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Fame thirsty and rapidly aging heartthrob, Brad Pitt, sat down with Parade Magazine to discuss how miserable his life was with Jennifer Aniston: “I spent the ’90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony,” he admits. “I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.” “I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.” Sometimes when I'm staring at Jennifer Aniston's chin, I begin to feel sorry for her. She's almost as unlikable as Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow...almost I guess that's what happens when you essentially spend your entire life in the lap of luxury while having people kiss your ass at every turn. Ironically though, Jennifer can pay enough to make people love her. Her husband leaves her for Hollywood's badgirl and meanwhile, she can't make a movie that brings more than three people to the theater to support her. She must be absoutely horrible to spend time around. Can you imagine having a girlfriend that has an ass like Aniston and is probably worth a hundred million dollars or more and yet she still can't do anything interesting enough to keep you engaged.

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CHETUMAL, Mexico (AP) — Police say a woman was caught trying to sneak her common-law-husband out of a Mexican prison in a suitcase following a conjugal visit.

A spokesman for police in the Caribbean state of Quintana Roo says staff at the prison in Chetumal noticed that the woman seemed nervous and was pulling a black, wheeled suitcase that looked bulky.

Spokesman Gerardo Campos said Monday that prison guards checked the bag of 19-year-old Maria del Mar Arjona and found inmate Juan Ramirez Tijerina curled up inside in the fetal position.

Ramirez is serving a 20-year sentence for a 2007 conviction for illegal weapons possession.

Arjona was arrested and charges are pending.

If this article had been comprised only of the first sentence, i would completely be sucked into this story. Of course she has a common law husband and of course she's on a conjugal visit in a Mexican prison. It's too good to be untrue. This is like something you'd see in a movie directed by Quintin Tarantino and Robert Rodriquez, but instead of getting busted, the dude would come out of the suitcase with machine guns. You gotta do better than be married to this walking bowling ball, I know that. If you're gonna get a busted out of prison on a conjugal visit, she better look like Salma Hayak or Sofia Vagara. This dude obviously has no swagger on his block.

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