Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, my arch nemesis, lip synched the National Anthem. Generally, I would say, "no big deal," but this is the freaking Presidential Inauguration. Also, the other small insignificant point is, Beyonce is a singer and an alleged good one. Kelly Clarkson is from American Idol and she crushed My Country Tis of Thee better than I did every morning in Kindergarten. Besides Beyonce's appalling self-absorption and disconnection with anything normal, rational, or humble, her stupid vocal gymnastics assisted by computer tracks and clever producing, her entire contrived existence, fake hair, hideous fire-starting cheese-covered thunder thighs, and last but certainly not least, horrible Direct TV commercials, I feel like she also thinks I'm stupid. Well, I'm not. Fine Beyonce, lip synch the song if you're too scared to do what the winner of a Reality TV talent show did, but don't sing the first verse and pull out your ear piece like you're struggling to find the key because, well, you're not freakin' singing. When stars get embarrassed because of their own arrogance and stupidity it makes me feel as if there's some sense of fairness in the world. It's not enough she makes 70 million a year, but she marries a billionaire. All BS aside, I would rather have sex with a razor blade radiated light socket than Beyonce Knowles. The fact that she and Chris Brown are famous is how I know with absolute certainty that Satan is real.
When it comes to poisoning my liver and giving my body what it "needs" and "demands", nothing massages me into a night of lies and foggy memories like a good quality bottle of bourbon. I don't have a lot of preference, especially if the bottle has a cork (my own indicator of acceptability minus Bulleit...damn you for the screw off top). In my order of most favorite to acceptable, my preferences are as follows:
Colonel E.H. Taylor
If you think bourbon sucks because you've never drunk it without making the "I'm gonna vomit face", this bourbon is for you. Granted, it's pricey, but it's far and away the greatest I've ever tasted. The rest are below...not that you care.
Blanton's
Woodford Reserve
Knob Creek
Rowan's Creek
Bulleit
Maker's 46
Booker's
Basil Hayden's
Maker's Mark
Eagle's reserve
Buffalo Trace
Jim Beam
As a respectable bourbon drinker, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit, but I recently tried Crown Royal Maple and I have to say, it's fantastic. If you're diabetic and you want a less sugary substitute for Aunt Jemima's Syrup, make some pancakes and this pour God-inspired nectar over them. It'll taste like a mixture of an orgasm and cotton candy with those sprinkles from ice cream buffets on top. That analogy sounded tastier in my head than it does next to my blinking cursor. Nonetheless, get this...you won't regret it.
Jennifer Lawrence, of Hunger Games and Silver Lining Playbook, was recently voted Most Desirable Woman of 2012, according to vanity Fair. I mean don't get me wrong, she's pretty...I guess, but that title is more than just a stretch. I had hotter girls in my high school than this and trust me, I thought that was impossible. One thing she is, however, is cool as shit. Also, she's ridiculously talented as an actress and already hands down the most grounded actor in all of Hollyweird. In her article from vanity Fair, the Playbook actress talks about acting:
"Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody's like, " how can you remain with a level head?' And Im like, 'Why would I ever get cocky? I'm not saving anybody's life. There are doctors who save lives and fireman who run into burning buildings. I'm making movies. It's stupid.'"
When I read this excerpt, I wanted to join her fan club and start wearing IHEARTJL buttons to work. Never before has an actor actually been humble and not gotten caught up in the awesomeness of him/herself. Actors' narcissism is immeasurable. So is their stupidity, for that matter. All day everyday they're told how amazing they are, how smart they are, how inspiring they are, and eventually, no matter what or where they came from, they begin to believe the bullshit. In reality, they're just children. Actually, they're like other people's children. They've all been conditioned like cage animals to expect constant attention and care, and when they don't get it, they can't cope (see Britney, Lindsey, Marilyn Monroe, Downey Jr, Madonna, Sean Penn, Christian Bale, etc etc etc). I've always known stars are assholes which is the reason that I'm in love with this chick. In a cruel world where Chris Brown is still rich and selling the dogshit out of albums, please do your part in 2013 to punch unfairness in the face and support Jennifer Lawrence.
Monday, January 21, 2013
This is exactly why I don't "Rise Up", whatever the hell that means. It appears when you "Rise Up" you get stabbed. In the throat. Ask the family of the guy that tried to Rise Up on Ray Lewis when he was in Atl. Anyway, Atlanta refuses to look like a sophisticated city. Instead, however, we like to rap about murder, commit murder, glamorize illiterate and idiotic
Anna Welker, Wes Welker's wife, took to Facebook to remind everyone of what they already know... that Ray Lewis and his God-like admiration is ridiculous. I don't know about any of you, but I don't associate with murderers, nor have I ever been with a group of "friends" that murdered someone. He walks on the field and people pretend he's Christ reincarnated. Well, as Anna Welker points out, he's not. In post game press conferences, if you can understand the illiterate gibberish, which I cannot, you'll for sure hear every person that interviews him praising his leadership and explaining how everyone in the league looks up to him. You better or he'll stab you to death. This Super Bowl couldn't be more annoying. I'll either be forced to kneel to Ray Lewis his Holiness, or hear how the coaches are brothers like it's recorded on a repeat track. Kill me...no, I didn't mean that literally Mr Lewis.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Admittedly, I don't know a lot about soccer. I'm learning, but only because my nephew is awesome. If it weren't for him, I'd never watch the sport. I generally only tune in during the World Cup because A, it gives me an excuse to drink obnoxiously in the name of The United States of America, and B, see A. Usually I'm underwhelmed by people running around never scoring. It's just not American in that way. We score. We're back to back World War Champions for the love of God. I've always said, "Get rid of off-sides" and that would increase the scoring. This is usually when soccer enthusiasts try to get physical with me. They lose. But that's neither here nor there. The point of this post, if there is one, is Alex Morgan. If you don't know her, she's a forward for the US National Team and is a complete rocket. There hasn't been a sexier female athlete in a long long time. She's essentially a golden ticket for having athletes as children. She didn't even start playing soccer until she was like 14; three years later, she was playing on the U-17 National Team. That's unheard of in soccer. You know what else is unheard of...her legs and ass. They're on my National Team.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I've given up on integrity in sports. It's one thing to juice your ass off and dominate your sport while shattering record books and giving yourself testicular cancer i.e. Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, etc, but it's another thing entirely to deny it when it's obvious to anyone with a brain you cheated. Barry Bonds batted lead off at Arizona State. He weighed a buck 70. In the height of his cheating, his traps weighed 170 lbs. This has become my barometer to identify morons when I talk to them. If they tell me Armstrong, Bonds, McGuire, Clemens, etc. didn't cheat, I distance myself from them as rapidly as possible. It's simply impossible to refute unless you're either blind or stupid. Bodies don't lean out at 35+ years old while adding 30 lbs of muscle. Sadly, that's not evolution's/God's design. If you're wondering what happens to the athlete's body when you stop juicing, see below...and yes that's the same person. I hope you never make the Hall of Fame.
Monday, January 14, 2013
In a recent interview with Harper's Bazaar, Jennifer Lopez made an incredible effort to identify with her fan base. That's the thing about J-Lo, when you think of humility and down-to-earth benevolence, you immediately think of Jennifer Lopez. As she was describing her c-r-a-z-y life and how she stays "grounded" she had this to say:
"I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good, and doing it well. I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kid's hair, or pick up their clothes -- that makes our life beautiful, you know? There's something very elegant in that."
Wait...WHAT? Did I just seriously hear her say she keeps it simple by dressing herself? What the hell is the alternative? Lie in bed and have her "people" prepare her for the day? This is precisely why people like me hate people like her. If someone tells me again that he/she likes J-Lo because she's just Jenny from the Block, I'm gonna give no warning, I'm just gonna start punching. In the face. Hard. If an alien came down from outer space that was 40 feet tall and had green hair and spoke in beeps and whistles and ate people, I would immediately have more in common with it than I do this insufferable human being. Why life rewards people like this with fortune is beyond anything I can comprehend.
Dont be confused by the rocks that Ive got...Im still Im still Jenny from the block. Used to have a little, now I have a lot...FML
"The best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it." -Benjamin Franklin
Years from now, or next year, depending on the level of continued spending, when the demise of America is studied, entitlements will be looked upon as the single most detrimental issue in the collapse of our society. In fact, entitlements aren't as much of the problem. It's more entitlement attitude. I've said before, entitlement attitude is not innate to human beings. It's learned. It is contrary to our instinctual evolutionary urges for survival. Human beings have always been responsible for their own survival, but our Government has created for themselves an opportunity to limit escalation for people out of poverty and in turn, solidify a group of voters that are ironically convinced they can't survive without the very thing that keeps them down.
This video encapsulates everything that is breaking down with our society. When someone keeps having children they can't afford while blaming others and demanding someone else take care of them, what's left to do? Nothing. Our country has reached its tipping point. We've not only lost the battle when it comes to a producer/consumers, we've lost the war. Critical mass has been reached and it will never return. As I've said a hundred times at least, "When the majority realizes they can vote themselves the treasury, the show is over. America is defeated by its own selfishness, ineptitude and helplessness. America can and will be defeated, but it will come from within. You can't multiply money by dividing it. It won't be long now.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Every year, in January, I look back throughout the year to remind me how miserably stupid people are in this world. To me, there is no better way to identify stupidity than by analyzing the year's social cliches and/or FADS. Here are a few examples of why I never want to hear the number 2012 again:
Let me guess. You're also a rock climber...in a gym. If you climb fiberglass in a gym, you're as much of a rock climber as making a paper airplane makes you a pilot. People are so stupid. Do you expect to fall down a crevasse on your way to the thirty foot summit of Atlanta Rock Climbing. Wearing these stupid bracelets aren't gonna give you the boost in testosterone you're looking for buddy.
This game made these clowns millions. I remember watching this same concept on TV when I was little. It was called Win Lose or Draw...or Pictionary. It was fun for like three minutes, but thank God it's over. I'm so sick of guessing the drawings of morons with zero concept of how something should look. So, you drew a yellow square with small squares inside it and that's a hospital? Is it on fire? You're stupid.
Yeah, we get it, you're computer savvy. All we've established is that someone more clever than you made an E-Card and you're skillful enough to share it on your incredibly boring and uninspiring Facebook wall. Don't look at, you say...well I wouldn't except you post 24/7 about how good your dinner was and how much everyone at your job sucks and how much you hate drama, yet every post you make is completely full of drama. You suck, so do your stupid E-cards. Unfriend. Block.
Mayans. Do I really need to say more. If you made one preparation for the end of the world based on some Mayan (who are they) calendar, you should wear a sign on your neck that can caution others of your stupidity. Holy Shit. Mayans.
"Yeah, can I have a dozen of the overpriced, over processed, sugar bombs?" Only 6.00 a piece?!? How can that be??? That's a great deal. These are soooooo good. I always get these before my tennis match. I'm gonna get a few extra ones though because I have to go home and get ready to meet the girls for lunch. Then I have to exchange some things at the mall where we always get a quad grande peppermint mocha whipped non fat w two splendas, one organic milk skinny im pretentiously stupid coffee from Starbucks. Then, I have to pick up the kids. How I'm gonna have time for all this is insane. It's gonna be exhausting. I need something sweet! Heres a 2 twenties, keep the change!
I literally couldn't tell you one thing about this stupid farce except for the fact that liberals went ape shit over this. Newsflash: Africa has leaders that practice genocide everyday. Your Prius and recycling doesn't stop that, nor does some stupid YouTube video about a fictitious murderer. If you would get your head out of your ass and read a meaningful news source, you might learn something. Until then, PLEASE STFU.
Oh boy! One of my favorite things of 2012. This stupid website exploded because girls are so full of estrogen they can hardly function. Following a 32 step process on how to antique your coffee table doesn't make you creative, it makes you obsessed. The table was hideous before...now it's just a different color. I've looked at this website less than 10 times in my life, yet every time I do, I'm reminded of how vast the chasm is between men and women. I'd rather watch midget porn than this bullshit for thirty seconds.
Who is the F is Tom and why are his hideous shoes so popular. He better enjoy it because when people besides me start realizing how ugly they are and how badly they smell, his business is over. Yeah, I know, they're soooo comfortable. So are my flip flops from Wal Mart, but they didn't cost 50 dollars. And don't tell me about how one pair is donated to Africa. If you want to make a difference in Africa, quit worrying about the damn shoes and worry about what matters, Malaria. A little kid without shoes isn't killing anyone. Mosquitos and AIDS, those are the killers. Want to "GIVE BACK" (whatever the hell that means), buy some mosquito nets and send them over...send some books on safe sex. Your dedication to helping third world countries through support of first world over priced products is so hypocritical I want to punch you in the face.
You only live once. Tell that to the rapper, Ervin McKinness,
that was tweeting and bragging about drinking and driving. He ended his tweet with #YOLO and flipped his car a few minutes later ending his life. Yeah, YOLO for sure.
I read the first two chapters of the P.O.S. and I realized how miserable women are in this country. Nothing in the history of the written word has been more amateurish and poorly written. I could've written this book in the 9th grade. If I had known that many women hated their husbands I could've been so damn rich. Based on the success of this book, I'm surprised women don't shake hands with attractive men at dinner parties and have orgasms...and we're the horny ones. Yeah, sure.
Pocahontas wore feathers, allegedly. You're not Pocahontas. Wearing this shit in your hair doesn't make you more Bohemian. It doesn't make you edgy, any more than drinking diet cokes makes you skinny. Take it out. Welcome to adulthood and responsibility.
Unless it's 152 AD and you're on a date with Maximus Decimus Meridius, those shoes are ridiculous. I understand Avant Garde fashion as much as one possibly can, but come on. It's leather from the feet to the knee. That screams, "Look at me, please!" That level of desperation is palpable.
2013- Now you're just somebody that I used to know...thank God.
This is a two part eff you/thank you. You can thank Pinterest for this FAD. It's essentially the Lee Press on Nails of the 80's. When you're 25+ and you put snowflakes on your nails, you probably are taking pictures of them and posting them to your Instagram, reading 50 Shades of Gray after updating your Pinterest. FML
Installing an app on your iPhone doesn't make you an artist. Just because you take a picture of something completely normal and turn it into something spectacular doesn't mean you're a Warhol visionary, it simply means you have no life. Most people don't have time to send a picture through the laundry list of special effects in order to spice up there vanilla existence. Accept your picture for what it is...boring. And please, stop making that stupid "Duck Face" while giving the sideways peace sign. You're white as shit and you have no criminal record. You're the antithesis of street cred.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Two Placer County teenage girls were arrested for allegedly using drugged milkshakes to knock out the parents of one of the girls so they could log on to the Internet, Rocklin police said.
Internet access at the Rocklin home was routinely shut off at 10 p.m., said Lt. Lon Milka, a department spokesman.
Milka said that on Friday evening, a 15-year-old girl – who had a 16-year-old friend from Roseville visiting – offered to pick up milkshakes from a local fast-food restaurant for her parents.
The parents drank about a quarter of the milkshakes but didn't finish them, saying they tasted funny and were grainy, Milka said.
But the shakes – loaded with prescription sleep aids allegedly provided by the friend – were effective, and the parents quickly fell asleep.
They awoke at 1 a.m. with unexplained hangover symptoms, but went back to sleep. In the morning, with the headache and grogginess still present, they went to the Rocklin police station to pick up a drug test kit, Milka said.
Having lived 500 feet from the campus of GT for a year now, I can attest to how disruptive nerds can get when internet access is limited. However, limit a horny teenager and they're willing to murder their parents. These crazy idiots took crazy to another level. Most normal people couldn't imagine drugging their parents with sleeping pills in their milkshakes in order to get access to the internet. These two aren't normal. I would expect the concocted scheme went something like this:
1: OMG gurl im sleepn ovr 2nt
2: omg tht will b so fun!! :)
1: Do ur lame azz parents still shut off your intrnet @ 10?
2: :( yes. I hate them so much!!!
1: I hv some sleeping pills i stole from my mom
1: lets go get thm milkshakes and put thm in there.
2: How do you know how much?
1: I took them last week when Hunter took my virginity.
2: OMG gurl! I wish I wuz you! Ur sooooo awsome!
1: so?
2: Lets do it gurl.
Our society is doomed.
As if cops needed another reason to hate you, or use excessive force to curtail their almost guaranteed and rapant steroid use, Thursday the US Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit ruled that "The ancient gesture of insult(You know the bird....the finger. Yes, I know the finger goose) is not the basis for a reasonable suspicion of a traffic violation or impending criminal activity." There are going to be serious issues with this new ruling in every college town, among other places, across the country. I have a lot to say on this issue, but out of respect for the "good ones"....I mean "good one", I'm gonna plead the 5th.
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