Monday, March 25, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
“@jakedavidson23: youtube.com/watch?v=NvxqUE…” you can call me Katie if you want! How could I turn down that video! I'll check my schedule ;)
Other than his own, this poor high school senior probably hasn't been close to anything that resembles a reproductive organ in his life. Which is probably the main reason she is considering this PR once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can't pay for press this promising with millions. "Wait, are you telling me the SI Swim Suit cover model is going on a date with an average high school kid? Awww, how sweet is that?"
Well allow me to retort. It's not sweet. It's cruel/It's gonna be three hours of awkward silences while all the jocks in school try to take out the little Jewish kid that brought Kate Upton to prom. It's gonna be a disaster. Then, when she's tired of the shenanigans and she thinks she's milked the situation for all the positive press it can muster, she's gonna leave, but not before giving him some lame kiss on the cheek in front of the whole school. So, then he's left dateless and an even BIGGER problem in his pants, despite the "Something About Mary" preparation. Stories like this kind of piss me off because they're simply not done for the right reasons. What are the right reasons you ask? Premarital sex and a date that can pay for everything.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Today, February 26, 2013 is a sad day for my internet pleasure. For about 8 years there has been one website that I have been more loyal to than any other ever and have visited at least twice daily. WWTDD.COM was a site created by a guy that left thesuperficial.com to start this site. It's by a mile the funniest thing you've ever read. Honestly, he and WWTDD are the reason I started this stupid waste of time that no one reads. After some disagreements, he and management didn't agree on him being employed anymore. So, in the wake of a separation, WWTDD has lost the only reason anyone ever read that website in the first place. But, like most management teams, their over-inflated sense of self worth and contribution won't allow them to see the reality of the situation. Anyway, go here and read some of his stuff. He's a satirical genius. www.wwtdd.com
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sarah Jessica Parker is the biggest enigma to come out of Hollywood in my lifetime. She's a wretched actress. Her character on Sex and the City was so abhorrent and repulsive, it was impossible to watch. That show is the only proof I need that women are out of touch. She looks like a female centaur and her voice makes me want to OD on jenkem. Even though I loathe her existence, I still feel a little sorry for her because her husband is so gay, it's like Bruno and Liberace had a child and out came Matthew Broderick. I'll never understand why couples in Hollywood pretend to be not gay. It's like the most accepting place in the world, unless you're a Republican or a Christian. If presented with the option of having sex with this or putting my penis in a food ninja, well, I think you know. It's a physical impossibility to be attracted to this wildebeest.
In the latest issue of some country's Harper's Bazaar, the editors were obviously trying to make her look human on the cover, so they airbrushed her so much that they turned her into a Lucifer/Mr Ed love child. If I cut out just this picture and blew it up on a poster and walked down Peachtree Street in Atlanta, I bet 500.00 not one person could pull Sarah Jessica parker.
If you have ever purchased a season of Sex in the City on DVD, please do the world a favor and go play in traffic. In fact, out of all the sperm your father donated to your mother, you're the one that won? That seems like a genetic impossibility.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
This post is gonna cause an uproar among dumb guys because so many people make such a big deal out of this chick. Frankly, I don't get it. Nothing is big about this chick except her bra size. She shaped like a rhombus, she has no hips, a butter face and it wouldn't kill her to do a sit up or two. I see at least one girl a day that's this hot. No shit. I'm not the only one, by the way.
Sophia Neophitou, a talent scout for Victoria's Secret, told the New York Times that “we would never use” Upton because her look is “too obvious” to be featured in the high profile production. “She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Neophitou said, referencing the busty, barely clad women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”
By too obvious, they mean her breasts that look like something I saw on National Geographic last night. By too blond of hair and face anyone with money could buy, they mean she has Florida hair and she's not attractive. Why would they say this? Well, because every single day they're surrounded by beauty and Kate Upton ain't it. Kate Upton is someone I grinded on at Club La Vela after I funneled beers on the beach in 1997. This chick is 19 and her job is to be in shape. She is soft like a yeast roll. This is where all the girls say, "She looks like a woman. Those girls in the magazines...that's not a woman. They're too skinny. She's currrrvy." Well, that's not what your husbands think. That's also not what your clothes think. Kate Upton is your classic pop culture phenomenon. She's like the modern day wanna be Christie Brinkley, but she's really more like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. Girls love her and guys are like, Is she pretty or is everyone just telling me she's pretty?" I am so damn confused by why she's famous. Sports Illustrated, please do better next year. VICTORIA'S SECRET 1 SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE 0
Friday, February 15, 2013
Oscar Pistorius held his head in his hands and wept openly in court Friday as prosecutors said they would pursue a charge of premeditated murder against the Paralympic superstar.
Pistorius was formally charged at Pretoria Magistrate's Court with one count of murder after his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, a model and budding reality TV show contestant. The 30-year-old was shot multiple times and died at Pistorius' upmarket home early Thursday morning.
Prosecutor Gerrie Nel said Friday in court it was premeditated murder, indicating the prosecution would file that more serious charge, upgraded from murder.
The double-amputee athlete's arrest and murder charge had already left South Africa stunned after Steenkamp's death on Valentine's Day at Pistorius' house in a gated community in an eastern suburb of South Africa's capital, Pretoria.
Following the hearing, Pistorius' family and his London management company issued a statement calling into question the criminal charge the 26-year-old athlete faces.
"The alleged murder is disputed in the strongest terms," the statement read. The statement did not elaborate.
The statement also said Pistorius wanted to "send his deepest sympathies to the family of Reeva."
"He would also like to express his thanks through us today for all the messages of support he has received -- but as stated our thoughts and prayers today should be for Reeva and her family -- regardless of the circumstances of this terrible, terrible tragedy," the statement read.
Those who knew Pistorius, including a former girlfriend, also weighed in on social media.
Trish Taylor, mother of Pistorius' ex-girlfriend Samantha Taylor, wrote on Facebook: "I'm so glad Sammy is safe and out of the clutches of that man."
Well Oscar...I gotta be honest. You're fuc*ed. If that ex-girlfriend's mom doesn't shut her mouth, you're gonna be facing two counts of premeditated murder. "The clutches of THAT MAN..." that's some cold, ruthless shit to say. You know this guy doesn't stand a chance. The only thing working in his favor is that it's South Africa and if you have 3 dollars and a Snickers bar, you can pretty much get out of anything. Integrity and Justice don't go hand in hand there, unless you're one of those guys that attempts rape, but gets to experience this. That's justice. Anyway, Oscar is gonna be spending a lot of time in the clink. Too bad that little shit didn't lose his hands instead of his legs because unless you're one of those circus freaks, it's hard to pull a trigger with your toes. And to think that this guy was beloved by so many people just a few short months ago. How do you murder anyone, but her especially. I would love to take off those soda can legs of his and beat his ass with them. What a dick.
This son-of-a-bitch stole my schtick. I've been making fun of Florida for 10 years. Why? Because I lived there and Florida sucks. If you're a pedophile, a murderer, a meth cooker, drug addict, racially confused and envious white boy driving an import straight out of Fast and Furious, a Budweiser tank-top/Mr. T gold chain wearing redneck, or a drug smuggler/dealer/cartel, then Florida is perfect for you. Otherwise, it's just a miserably humid place that gets rain every day around 5pm has no income tax and a lot of tragic people and events. Well this guy, he took my idea of poking fun at the evolutionary bronze medal winners, Floridians, and came up with this awesome Twitter handle and tweets out all of the ridiculous stories in and around that Godforsaken state. Never say never, but I'd rather cook meth out of a station wagon that I live in than move back to that hell hole. Enjoy this guy...it's funny as hell.
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