Ch..ch..ch..chia

Socialite, make-believe actor, and notorious butter-face, Audrina Patridge, has finally realized her stock should be shorted and has settled for a relationship with her male unfamous counterpart, Ryan Cabrerra. At least she knows her place on the evolutionary ladder of reproductive fitness. Every single time she leaves her house, I bet she refers to her Post-It note attached to her fridge: Accentuate expensive drips of golden silicone honey to divert attention from Chia Pet boyfriend. Hollywood has become a complete joke. Imagine Clark Gable, Katharine Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Carey Grant, or Mae West hanging out at a Hollywood Party with the cast from the Hills. I hate Hollywood more than Whitney Houston.

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This is precisely why I support the lottery.

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. – A Missouri man who won a $258 million Powerball jackpot and plans to use some of the money to pay bills, replace his two missing front teeth and take his children to Disney World said he hasn't decided yet if he'll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

Chris Shaw — a 29-year-old tattooed father of three who was raised by his grandparents in rural southern Missouri — came forward Thursday as the winner of the 10th-largest Powerball jackpot ever. Shaw said he had just $28.96 in his bank account and recently bought a 1998 Ford Ranger from a friend who agreed to let him pay off the $1,000 price $100 at a time. Now, he said, he no longer has to worry about how he'll pay his friend — or his utility bills.

"We didn't come from money. For us it's just going to be a huge relief to know I'm going to be able to pay my electric bill, my gas bill," Shaw told the Associated Press. "It's like a weight lifted. I had bills at home I didn't know how they were going to be paid."


This is going to sound insensitive, but who cares. I love the lottery. I love the lottery mainly because it's the only way people that don't contribute to society and pay taxes feel the burden of taxation. You can call me an A-hole for that, but I don't care. I'm forced to GIVE nearly half of my hard earned dollars to the jobless, welfare, the poor, and the lazy maggots of society. That pisses me off more than you can imagine. I don't work for them. I work for me. The lottery is the only way I get to feel like these idiots are being taxed. Yeah, occasionally there will be some guy that warms your heart when he hits, but just give him time. Nearly 1/3 of all lottery winners go bankrupt. There's a reason people are poor and people are rich. If you're poor and you're buying liquor and lottery tickets, you'll always be poor. Rich people make sound financial decisions that place them in positions to be successful. Lottery ticket buyers usually buy booze. It's very simple. Implementing the lottery around the country is the greatest thing that ever happened to a fiscal conservative like me because at least for a couple of times a day, when I'm in Quicktrip, I get to experience the tax on the poor first hand. Golly geez, nothing warms my heart like the reverse transfer of wealth.

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Lindsay wins Oscar, Ali is...well...bless her heart.

Lindsay Lohan is working for a change...kind of. She's such a disgrace, she even embarrasses Hollywood. That's like impossible because celebrities are so dumb they can't wipe their asses using both hands. Regardless though, Lindsay was photographed promoting (probably begged for celebrity appearance) a milkshake shop in Hollywood with her sister Ali. Lindsay is so clueless the owners of the store corroborated in the back room and gave her a miniature Oscar because they gave up after 13 hours of trying to think of something more humiliating. It turns out, however, that the joke was on them because Lindsay didn't get it. In fact, she was so happy high, it's rumored she gave an acceptance speech thinking she won the real Oscar. Lindsay's mascot sister was there too. It turns out she was celebrating her transformation into an Afghan woman from A Thousand Splendid Suns. William Faulkner couldn't team with Bill Shakespeare and write tragedy like this family. Honestly, you feel sorry for them in one breath. Then you exhale and realize you were just hypoxic and not thinking clearly. Nothing you can ever experience in your life brings you more joy that preying on the misfortune of fame whores like the Lohans. When my schadenfreude tank gets low, I dial into a little TMZ because I know a Lohan is a meltdown away.

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Really, Mr President...the race card?

This is why America will never eliminate racism and bigotry. The most powerful man in the world, our leader, our President, uses race to further his agenda and in turn, further racial isolation and discrimination. Remove all social and political loyalty, remove all personal alligiences for one second, and now imagine if you watched this video and instead of Barack Obama it was George W Bush. Imagine that instead of calling on African Americans, Hispanics, and young people, they called on white men and white women. That's the difference between reporting from a liberal media with a liberal President. The double standard in America is reprehensible. A man that becomes the first Non-white President of the United States and leader of the free world relies on racial isolation when times get tough exemplifies complete cowardice and a total lack of moral and political leadership. President Obama should be ashamed.

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Stocking stuffers here we come!

Today celebrates 25 years since Weird Science hit theaters. Long gone are the days of "Scrunchies"; however, it seems we're lucky to have a new fad. A fad that will make Bass, banana clips, hypercolor, and Keds seem like a stupid idea. Welcome to pure ingenuity.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Backtacular

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My Weekend in Jacksonville.

Despite spending seven long uneventful years, using all my waking hours and endless resources to relocate, I drove back down and spent the weekend in Jacksonville Florida. The trip was necessary because we finally rented our house that's been on the market since sometime before the spring of 1991. Since we didn't have water turned on at our house, we decided to stay with two of my best friends in Jax Beach. Their place is great, Ocean front, ample space, private pool and hot tub. I'm not sure why this is, but like Peter Pan, we refuse to accept our age and grow up. Most 32 year olds spend beach weekends with their kids, sunburning their enormous bellies, and building sand castles, but we spend ours pickling our livers. Tomato-Tomahto. Regardless of whether you think we're childish, we have a great time. This weekend was extra special.

You see, my friend Chris is one-of-a-kind. On a scale of responsible and act-your-age, I'm like a 5 with 1 being a complete and total mess, 10 being a father of three. Chris is barely a 2. Don't get me wrong, he's got a good job, he's responsible for bills (sometimes), but his life is just a diaphanous miasma of inebriated hook-ups, horrific hangovers and naked soirees. Friday and Sat were no different. Sat morning, I woke up feeling like my liver was shutting down...no seriously. I had feelings of hopelessness, I had the shakes, and just to simply breathe felt like a chore of monumental proportions. I had almost zero recollection of anything that occurred between the hours of 3:30am-11:00am. That's too bad for me because a lot transpired. Just as I was waking up feeling worse than ever, my wife looked at me and said, "Do you remember what happened last night?" I responded, "No...what?" She said, "There was a naked girl in our bed." See, this is where things get particularly confusing. On a level of things you want to hear, as a man, that ranks pretty high, but something was telling me this had not gone that route. Instead, she informed me that in the middle of the night, I had gotten up to use the restroom and crawled over her which she found odd. Why would I not just get up out of my side. The reason was because there was a naked girl lying beside me. You see, my friend Chris had pounced on a little wounded fawn as he was leaving the bar and brought her back to the house. Sometime in the middle of the night, and after a barrage of immoral fornicating, she had gotten up to use the restroom, got confused, and wandered into our room. Now, as I was in the bathroom my wife had gotten up and walked over to the naked girl lying fully exposed. She taps her on the naked shoulder. "Excuse me. Aren't you in the wrong room?" The naked girl, or as I will refer to her, WFNG (Wounded Fawn Naked Girl), replies, "No. Are you in the wrong room?" My wife then says, "No you're definitely in the wrong room." I guess at this point she hears me in the bathroom and asks, "Is that Chris in there?" My wife replies, "No That's Trey." WFNG sits up so fast and covers her naked surgically augmented breasts. "OMG," she says. She jumps out of bed and runs out of the room but then realizes she has no clothes on and people are out in the other room. She comes back in and grabs one of my T-Shirts from the floor and runs out. Now these are times when I shine with some witty comment, but I was so inebriated, I must have thought that was completely normal because I just got back into bed and fell back asleep. Then, the next morning, I had no memory of the events. This sounds like college stories, but this happened less than two days ago. I could dream up a story and it wouldn't be even close to as awesome as this story. This all happened. Despite the fuzzy details, it's awesome being me and choosing friends like Chris to add entertainment to my life and my bed.

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First class organization, first class individuals

If you could dream up the characteristics that define an effective, determined, grounded and representative CEO, it would be hard to get Bertha Lewis out of your head to think of anyone else. This lovely woman the captures sheer essence of integrity and stabilty. She's practically run Acordn into the ground, but she's not stopping there.

ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis says the times people are living in now will "dwarf" all those stains on America's history. And she points to the Tea Party movement -- or "bowel movement," in her words -- as a harbinger of the persecution to come.

"They are coming. And they are coming after you," the embattled head of ACORN said during a talk last month to the Young Democratic Socialists, the youth branch of the Democratic Socialists, the U.S. branch of the Socialist International.

During the address, Lewis praised the group's members for calling themselves socialists, and warned that undefined forces are plotting their doom.

"Any group that says, 'I'm young, I'm Democratic, and I'm a socialist,' is all right with me."

"This is not rhetoric or hyperbole -- this is real," Lewis said. "This rise of this Tea Party so-called movement -- bowel movement in my estimation -- and this blatant uncovering and ripping off the mask of racism."

Well Bertha, I didn't know organized peaceful marches, like those of Martin Luther King Jr., were considered "bowel movements" or perceived attempts to evoke racial tensions of segregation and Jim Crowism. Geez Bertha, if you had only let us know this before. I didn't know that a melting pot of ethnicity assembling to protest the strangle-hold felt by increasing government control, irresponsible and Socialistic Big-Government style spending by an irreverent and arrogant Congress would be considered the mask of racism. Why isn't some reputable and successful news source like MSNBC's, Keith Olberman, reporting this to me? Bertha, you mean it's not 1947-1991? We don't hate Socialists movements and see them as detrimental to what made this country great? We don't denigrate attacks on our individual liberties anymore? I feel like such a fool. We have to save this stellar organization and ensure that people like this find their way to Washington. The "Save Acorn Movement" must start at the grass roots level. Giving tax advice to a pimp and postitute is the cornerstone for the ideals and principles of morality and liberty set forth by the framers of the Constitution. Any idiot knows that. We can't turn a blind eye to this Anti-Socialist movement. We have to watch these racist and bigots organizing at Tea Parties. Stop the pheonix of Jim Crow and McCarthyism from rising from the ashes. Long Live Acorn and Obama Socialism!

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Jessica Alba = never better?

Much to the dismay of many of my friends, I've always thought Jessica Alba was overrated. Granted, the mocha skin and big lips help, but something is missing for me. I won't even begin with her sophomoric acting ability. If Jessica Alba were famous for being married to Brad Pitt, she would be Jennifer Aniston. They're like the same person to me. Regardless though, I have to give her some props here. In Film Now(?) magazine, Alba sizzles. Did I just write Alba sizzles? Jesus. I'm sorry. Anyway, birthing a child can be something other than a recipe for obesity.

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Hi Pot...I'm Kettle, just a little blacker.

In a Twitter battle, ex?porn star, Jenna Jameson, expressed her disappointment in Kendra's behavior since becoming a mother. This judgement, ironically coming from a chick that starred in Up and Cummers 10 and 11, Where the Boys Aren't, Cum One Cum All, and Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35. Off hand, without really thinking hard, I can't think of someone less qualified to offer up free mommy advice.

@JennaJameson : I have to say one last thing. I think it's weird when new moms act exactly the way they did when they didn't have babies. It's sad....

@JennaJameson : Kendra is my friend... But, things change once your a mom... You don't see me out acting like a heathen

@JennaJameson : I think I made it known... She needs some guidance

@JennaJameson : Im not saying what she did is wrong... I just pointed out that things shouldnchange once you have children!

@JennaJameson : I just stated my opinion. I myself would never let magazines put my kids on covers. They didn't ask for fame

@JennaJameson : I didn't want to use my children as a poy to get press... Too many celebs do that.

@JennaJameson : O, I'm done with the Kendra talk. She is a great mommy, and I wish her well. I was just disappointed in the silly groupie stuff. Moving on

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Obama finally makes a good decision.

Washington (CNN) -- President Obama has asked the Department of Health and Human Services to establish a rule that would prevent hospitals from denying visitation privileges to gay and lesbian partners.
The president's Thursday memo said, "There are few moments in our lives that call for greater compassion and companionship than when a loved one is admitted to the hospital. ... Yet every day, all across America, patients are denied the kindnesses and caring of a loved one at their sides."
Gay and lesbian Americans are "uniquely affected" by relatives-only policies at hospitals, Obama said, adding that they "are often barred from the bedsides of the partners with whom they may have spent decades of their lives -- unable to be there for the person they love, and unable to act as a legal surrogate if their partner is incapacitated."

This is something that seems so obvious, it's hard to even comment. To think that human beings, in a committed, long term relationship could be denied hospital visitation rights, simply because they're gay, doesn't just seem discriminatory, it seems seems illogical. Gay rights is something I just don't understand. Who cares that much? Does it really put that much of a strain on someone to allow same sex marriage or hospital visitation rights? If your preacher hates gays, it doesn't mean you have to hate them. They don't rub their gay on you...unless you ask. Wouldn't it seem more fair to allow them the experience of misery like the rest of married people. It's like the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's. Blatantly denying someone his/her God-given equal rights because the color of his/her skin is different is beyond my simple southern comprehension. I just don't know why we can't all get along. Take me for example, today, I'll be dividing my time between giving "Stanky Legg" and "Booty Dew" lessons at Freak Nik, and reading short stories at "Outwrite" bookstore in Midtown. I'm so diverse, I'm like a San Francisco Democrat. It sucks to be evolved so far beyond your contemporaries sometimes. It's just one of the many crosses I have to bear. Geez...add another to the list.

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Fire alarms of grief and sadness...

Former boxer, Rocky Somebody, just landed a guest spot on AE's "Intervention" and all I can say is, "Wow." This is at the same time, one the saddest, yet most entertaining things I have ever witnessed. I honestly cannot stop watching this video. Simply incredible. It's almost like a hungry hyena.

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The Algorithm of Kenny Chesney

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In some recent interview, Kenny Chesney, bless his heart, tried to convince himself everyone that he is not gay. Mind you, that's pretty hard to do when your wife divorces you and sites, "Fraud" as the reason for your split. I guess he lives in denial because he thinks it will hurt his career, but I guess he hasn't read the memo because we ALL know. Here is the "his" explanation for the failure of his marriage to Renee Zelwhatever:

"I look at it as a box, my life as a box... so everything that I put in ... learning how to play guitar - put in that box, friends I made - I put in that box. My career grew and everything around me, all the awards and all the songs I wrote and all the success, everything, I put in that box. And that box grew to this wonderful house. You protect everything and all the relationships and all the people that helped you build that house... I protected that box and I didn't know if I could do both. She was a sweet soul, no doubt about it."

Time elapsed--4 hours.

I'm sorry...after he said BOX 23 times in two sentences, I blacked out. Kenny. Listen. We. All. Know. Box. Can. Also. Mean. Vag. You're such an enigma with your clever use of double entendre, but when you read between the lines, voila! Your metaphors are brilliant! I bet all Kenny's friends play a drinking game for every time he says box around them. (DRINK) Damn, I said box. (DRINK) Damn. I said it again. That darn Kenny Chesney.

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Who would you rather?

After three hours, I honestly can't decide.

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Very Subtle Dumbass...

Seriously, the only way I could despise this chick more would be if she had been one of the 9-11 hijackers.

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You're just wrong BOSS.

It seems my friend, Boss, disagrees with my assessment of Mischa Barton. He said that I am insinuating that she was once beautiful. We all remember "The OC," and we all remember how beautiful she was back then. I think this picture is indicative of that beauty. Enough said.

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Red Sonja-Rose McGowan+Megan Fox=Box Office Poison

The remake of Red Sonya has left comic book geeks and chronic masturbating teenagers frustrated due to delays in production for just about every possible reason. Robert Rodriquez was originally signed on to direct and Rose McGowan to star, but it seems both have dropped out to pursue other ventures. It seems now Megan Fox has been chosen to replace McGowan. Not only did they choose the most overrated and unproven actress of all time, but new writers have taken over the project which, of course, translates to, "Trying to remove all emotion and fervor from the script..oh and clothes..for Megan Fox."

I guess Hollywood is the young generation and I'm the old geezer that yells at them for driving too fast down my street. If Megan Fox is what audiences want, I'll just sit on my porch and scream at passing cars. I just can't, for the life of me, understand why in the hell anyone would cast this chick to play in a movie. If you want to create a movie that will rack up Razzie awards, cast Megan Fox. If you want to produce a movie and lose your ass (cough) Jennifer's Body, cast Megan Fox. If you want to make a movie, pick a nobody to star and propel her to stardom and have her bad mouth you every chance she gets (cough) Michael Bay/Transformers, cast Megan Fox. This chick is Box Office Anthrax. You think you're getting this nice envelope, but inside it's just white powder that causes a painful death. Megan Fox sucks so bad it makes my head hurt. I would rather watch Larry King interview Kate Gosselin than any movie starring Megan Fox.

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Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!

I'm no Yves St. Laurent, but I know enough about fashion to know that if I put on a pair of pants and it makes me look like Sherman Klump after drinking the magic body transformation serum, I'm probably gonna put those dudes back on the hanger. Honestly, the only way for your looks to deteriorate faster than this would be to die and while you decompose, your friends drag you around town like Weekend at Bernie's.

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